The end

I have debated whether or not to continue posting on this blog since I feel that this breakup is over. My lack of posts contributes to that among many other factors including starting classes once again, family problems and the continuation of my relationship with J.

Tonight, however, I am officially breaking things off with C. In a sense, I am cutting that last string of hope that I had for a future for us together. I plan on doing this, by coming clean about my relationship with J. I know that C. will not want to hear it and I know that I should have told him sooner. I want to still be so angry at C. for all that he put me through, but at the end of today, I find myself filled with pity and I feel my own shame for not being able to be honest with him.

Thus, this makes it the official end of to the breakup. Will I continue to blog, I am not sure; but I know that by doing this, I have gotten some sense of self and have slowly healed the wounds that were so deep in my soul that they will leave scars forever. I hope is that someone out there who might happen upon this blog, find my situation, similar or funny or sad and just learn from it. So, for now at least, goodbye.... until later?

My Response

The past week has been one of the most emotionally exhausting of my entire life. I feel weak, tired and completely numb. This wasn't the way I pictured myself feeling after being proposed to. I always thought that I would be blissfully in love and on cloud nine for months after I discovered that someone on this planet wanted to spend the rest of their time on Earth sharing it with me. I am instead feeling hollow and frustrated.

For 5 years, I would have loved nothing more than for C to propose to me. I was waiting for it and I was hoping for it. I was sitting back and waiting for the man that I loved to realize that he loved me in return just as much. But he didn't. He broke up with me in a very cruel way and now I discover that he apparently loved me the entire time, though he did not show it and he expected that I be in love with him in return. When I finally told him several weeks ago that I was distancing myself from him so I could move on, he realized that he was losing me, forever. It was this movement that all of a sudden spurred him into action and drove him to finally express himself to me that way I had hoped he would years before. He finally told me that he loved me, that he had been in love with me this whole time, that breaking up with me was a huge mistake and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

My response: I don't love you anymore. It is the truth and it is the sad truth. His actions were too little and too late. I am not in love with him anymore. He hurt me too much for me to consider a lifetime with him. What is worse is that he wouldn't accept this as an answer so he says he is going to fight for me. He even booked a flight to Pittsburgh to come and see me. What I find most frustrating is that from time to time, this prospect sounds good and I have to remind myself to step back.

Wow

C proposed to me tonight.

Random Thoughts

Don't fall for this one, don't you dare fall for this one. I have to remind myself of this every time I look into J's eyes. I feel like a silly high school student again because I should feel so strongly for someone I have known for so little of a time. I wonder if I am so attracted to him because I know that he is leaving in several weeks. It seems like I have jumped from one turbulent sea that I at least knew how to navigate to a vast calm ocean that I have no idea how to cross. I have no idea what is better. Right now, I have everything to be thankful for for my relationship with J. He is attentive, intelligent and so giving of himself. What I find amazing is that he truly wants to be with me. Every day we look into each other's eyes and get close to each other and are thankful for every minute and now I am unsure what will happen at the end of the summer. What was supposed to be just a fun relationship has turned into something serious. Goodness, I need to be careful and stop rambling.

Letting Go

I cannot quite describe it. I feel like I have been holding onto a broken off piece of myself for so long. I have seen it chip away, fall off and I have cradled it in my arms mourning over its loss for so long. Within the past couple of weeks I believe that I have wiped off my tears and I am ready to let go. I wish that I had the words to describe how I have changed.

About a month ago, all I could think of was C and how I wished he would changed. Today, he has changed into the person I had longed for and I no longer desire him. I was able to talk to him, without tears or emotions getting the best of me and tell him that I wanted to move on. I was able to tell him that there was no future for us. I was able to tell him that I didn't want to talk to him as much anymore. It was freeing and releasing and he gave me a great gift; he let me go.

He said he is letting me move on. Let's see from now on if he holds true to his word because I really do not want to falter and fall back into his arms and clutch onto that piece of myself that cannot be a part of me anymore.

In other news, J is taking me to meet his parents tonight. This might be moving a little too quickly and I really don't want to use him as a rebound. I don't have much time to write about this now, but I can already feel my fingers itching to get back to the keyboard so I can analyze myself more and figure out exactly how I am doing in this crazy post-breakup world.

Finally Over?

When I once heard C utter his favorite nickname for me, or tell me that he loved me or missed me, I would sigh with love and hope; today when he does the same, I find myself filled with pity and compassion. I hear in his voice how much he wants a second chance with me and that familiar pattern he gets into when he wants me back into his life. I can feel it; he is afraid. He is afraid of losing me and our friendship. I am afraid of losing it too.

This isn't the first time that this has happened with C and me. It just so happens that every now and then (about every 7 months or so), I will speak up for myself and tell C that I will not stand for apathy anymore and I will get upset and let him know. After this he will make a great turn around for several months where he shows a high level of attentiveness and respect towards me before things return back to normal. During this high period, I feel wonderful and great and I am so happy because I think that maybe this time is the time that things are going to change. On top of that, I also think that I couldn't be happier.

What I find odd right now is that C is repeating his pattern and I am not. What does this mean? He calls me and I don't feel elated or hopeful. I don't feel much of anything. I keep wondering what this means? I think I have finally realized that there is no future for us. I think... I am finally getting over him.

Wanting

Why is it that some people want what they cannot have? This is definitely a habitual pattern with C. Every time I start to get comfortable with him again and start opening myself up to him and becoming available to him, he treats me with such apathy that the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. For the past couple of months, C has still been calling me often enough and I sadly do admit that I have been returning his calls and he continues to use me as his crutch so to speak. He calls me on his way to work, during lunch, on his way back from work, during breaks, when he has a free moment at home and before he goes to bed. Now, I have had plenty of male friends but even I suspect in my limited experience that this is not normal. While he is not romantic with me, nor does he treat me like a girlfriend, it is almost as if he expects me to be there as often as one. I accepted this situation for awhile, until I finally grew tired of it.

I think I let myself be used by C in a way, because I needed to be needed and I didn't want to let go. You have that frightening experience after a breakup that you are going to be alone for the rest of your life. You cannot imagine going through anything like that again so you have to go through that hurt. You can't imagine falling fool to your emotions and letting yourself go with such disregard for caution and for your heart. It is because of feeling like this and much more that I held onto C. I had this feeling deep down inside that one day, if I just kept that flame still alive that he would one day come to his senses and we would be together. Was that a silly thought? I am still not sure.

It wasn't until he went away to his mission trip that I had another revolutionary week. I first realized that I can go a week without him and be fine. Yes, I will miss him, but I will not be shattered. Life will go on and I will be fine. The second thing that I realized is that I am not completely undesirable to men since I got asked out by several great guys and went out of several wonderful dates with the even more wonderful J. The third thing I realized is that C has absolutely no desire to share his life with me. When he returned from his trip I practically had to beg for him to tell me about how it went. Getting any little detail out of him was like pulling teeth. To top that, he didn't once ask about my week when he was gone and he will never know because he lost that right. Yes, once he came back I finally received my slap in the face. I realized that I was never going to grow and mature in love or life if I stayed with someone who merely "cared" about me. I wasn't being fair to myself, my heart or my soul.

So, shortly after C got back from his trip I decided to start screening his calls, start talking to him less and I must admit I was colder towards him. I didn't think that he would notice too much, but oddly enough he did and it unfortunately added a slight wrench into my new found liberation. During a conversation we were having I finally got very frustrated at him for something very silly and abruptly ended our chat. Several hours later, I received an email in my inbox from C asking why I was so distant lately and asking why he was having to make all of the phone calls lately and I realized that he was truly confused as to why there was any problem.

So, for the first time in the five and a half years that I have known him, I laid out all of my feelings before him. I very clearly told him how frustrated I was with him for not taking any interest in my life and for not caring. I told him that I was avoiding his calls and that I was avoiding him. I told him that I wanted to talk to him less because as he had very clearly stated back in January, we were no longer together. I told him that I felt our relationship just wasn't worth it anymore to me and knowing my luck, I have no idea how the rest of our conversation went.

I had taken a sleeping pill an hour before he had called and to be honest, I barely remember much of the conversation. This is probably part of the reason why I was so open with him. I wish I knew how he responded to me and how I responded to him because I feel like I am completely in the dark. And now, he is calling more and asking about my day before I can get a word in and sounds truly happy to talk to me. What is funny is that I would have given anything to have this a couple months ago and now, I don't think I want it anymore...

Dating is Really Hard

I suddenly find myself being desired by men. This is a strange and rare phenomenon that I have referred to time and time again as “feast or famine.” You either have absolutely nobody who is desiring you at the current moment or you have several people who seem so see nobody but you in their entire world. In previous posts, I mentioned to my amazement and I have to admit slight delight how I had been asked about by not one but two men in the span of several minutes. Well, in the past week, the tally of two has turned into a tally of eight. I can’t quite explain this but I have come to the conclusion that it is the sheer fact that I have changed my soap in the past two weeks.

I could regale you with the stories of how these wonderful gave me their attention and how they showed their affection. I could tell you how I was truly flattered by some of them, disgusted by others and completely shocked and thrown back by others, but that is not what this post is about. This post is about my first plunge, my first dive into the dating world and I must say, “Wow, look how far deep you can dive.”

I have mentioned J in a former posting; he is the man who asked me out on a “maybe date” on the street corner outside my therapist’s office. The following week he kept texting me, or emailing me about getting together and I still wasn’t sure if it was a date or not. He finally set a date for us to meet on Tuesday and I still was not sure. His email to me was something along the lines of, “Come to my house at 6.” I had no idea if it was a friendly occasion, if we were meeting other people there, if it was just going to be the two of us, or if he had any feelings for me at all. So there I am, fretting on Tuesday because I have no idea how to dress for a “maybe date.” I have no idea how to date. I hadn’t really been on a proper first date in a really long time. So, once I had my outfit picked out, I drove over to his house, completely calm and collected. It was when I first saw his face with a twitch of nervousness in his fabulous smile, that I was certain it was date.

I believe that it is pretty needless to say that they date went very well. J was a perfect gentleman and completely kind and incredibly interested in me and what I had to say. In fact, since Tuesday, we have seen each other each day after that until today when I am on my home to visit my parents for several days. He—and I—we wanted to make the most of our time before I left for ten days because we both really enjoy spending time with each other but I keep thinking that there are several cons to this situation which make me wonder if I should even bother with keeping it up when I get back to Pittsburgh.

The first, of course, is that J is geographically undesirable. This is probably a big reason why I am so attracted to him. At the end of August, he is moving away to Arizona. This is good and bad. Good in some ways because I don’t think I am necessarily looking for anything too serious right now and also because it is the summer time and I actually have time to dedicate this summer to maintaining a relationship or at least starting a new one. Bad because, if it turns out that I really like him, then he is going to move away and I don’t want to deal with the pain of long distance again and all of the issues that revolve around it and I am also so tired of having that talk. It is also considered a bad thing because this further proves my theory that I am, for some reason, drawn towards men that live far away from me.

The second problem and the one that keeps me thinking about him is his attentiveness towards me. He is almost too romantic with me. On our first date, he was reaching across the table and holding my hands; he was looking deeply into my eyes and telling me that I was so beautiful and that he was so happy that he was with me. He kept giggling every now and then and asking me if it was real, if we were really together and if we were really on a date. He kept whispering sweet nothings in my ear and at one point was looking into my eyes and said that he felt a moment, a moment that was greater than himself, that was big and momentous, a moment he couldn’t explain. And all of this was just on the first date! I hope you can imagine how the others went. This was all incredibly romantic and I wanted to be swept away in all of the excitement, but I had to keep reminding myself that he was leaving and then I started to get a little skeptical.

Maybe it is the fact that my heart is still broken and I am still afraid to share it with anyone, but I keep thinking that J is leaving at the end of the summer and I am just some twisted social experiment of his. Maybe he feels that he can go all out this time because he is going to be gone soon so he should see how long it takes to woo someone using this style verses his old technique. What if he isn’t being completely honest with me and is just trying to distract me from something. I just can’t explain my paranoia but I keep thinking that there is no way he should be so intense so early. He is acting as if he is in love with me and he is barely starting to get to know me. So I just don’t understand; shouldn’t there be some other motive? Do guys just act like this right away once they are adults if they are sincere? Am I wrong in being paranoid or should I believe that he is genuine? I just have no idea what to do.

Dating is really hard.

The Large Girl

I must make a mental note to never go on a blind date for a friend again. Three month ago a girlfriend of mine asked me if I wouldn't mind "entertaining" one of her boyfriend's friends during the weekend that they would be visiting. The first question out of my mouth (since an embarrassing incident back in high school) was if he was tall. She said that he was taller than she was. Me, assuming that he was therefore taller than I was, kept on asking further questions such as age, occupation, geographic location and "social activities." Once satisfied, I accepted this blind date weekend and kept on with my daily routine. Well, the weekend finally arrived and I got to meet Mr. Mysterious and to my surprise he turned out to be not only completely antisocial but also 5'6". Oddly enough, it didn't bother me that he barely said more than 10 words and would not look me in the eye throughout the evening. As I have said before, C was extremely antisocial and I can work around it and with enough work, I truly believe that you can get anyone to come out of their shell and have a conversation with you. What bothered me was his height.

The fact that I am so taken aback by something so superficial might sound awful to some people, but it is more than just height. Some girls only want to date tall men because they want tall babies; some want to reach up to kiss the person they are with. Some even like men for even more "superficial" reasons than that, but the truth is that most of us girls that are attracted to tall men are that way because we just can't be attracted to shorter men. It is the same way that we can't be attracted to other women. With shorter men, I appreciate their great looks and wonderful personalities just as much as I would a taller man, but there is a complete lack of attraction for me and there are no exceptions. Why I feel this way about shorter men is a little more complicated. Let's face it, at some point in our lives we were programmed with what was attractive and what was unappealing to us and at some point we "taller preferring women" made our choice. My decision was made not at an exact point, or time, but rather, from the moment I realized that there was difference between different types of boys and girls.

If you page through my childhood yearbooks, all the way from Montessori through 7th grade you will notice one child who is always standing at the back of the classroom. This is the child who is back center in every picture. She is always last in line, the heaviest, the strongest and the tallest. I am that child. I remember feeling different from everyone else and thinking to myself that girls were supposed to be smaller than boys but this wasn't true with me. I was not only the tallest girl, but the tallest person in my class until the 8th grade when some of the boys finally caught up with me and I remember being so excited that I was finally allowed to fade into the background. Unfortunately, that was never going to be the case.

On top of being tall, I was also a little heavy in middle school and progressively got heavier until high school (but this is a story for a different entry). So to add insult to injury, I was not just the tall girl and I was not just the heavy girl, I was "the large girl." I felt so large at times that I thought I would break my dainty sister when playing around with her. I thought that every time I walked into a room there could not possibly be a person in there who was larger than me. I felt ashamed to be large and felt that someone who was as big as I was didn't deserve admiration, attention or love. As a result of feeling a larger girl the thought of dating a guy who was smaller than I was made me sick to my stomach.

If I were to date a guy, no matter how wonderful he may be, who was smaller than me, I felt that I would lose every tiny shred a femininity that I had left in my body. Girls are supposed to be small. Society shows us every day that women who are skinny and tiny are attractive and feminine and desired by men, ergo larger women are not. I felt like if I were to date a man who was shorter than I was, that I would feel even taller. Movies, don't show women lowering their faces to kiss their men and I didn't want to feel any bigger than I already did. When I am with a man who is larger than me, it is a glorious feeling, because it is the only time in my life where I feel small, smaller. For a moment, I feel like a real woman and I feel like the way I should be and not the way I have turned out; I feel feminine. As a result of this, I am completely unattracted to men who are my height or shorter (this of course greatly limits my dating pool).

I eventually lost the weight in later high school and college, but I still find myself getting little panic attacks every time a guy takes interest in me. I notice his height first: Is he taller than me? By how much? Can I wear my favorite pair of heels around him and still be shorter?; Once that passes then I look at his waist line: Is he thinner than me? How much thinner is he? Oh goodies! He has some weight some weight one him!; Then I notice his smile, his sense of humor and social decorum and if all that passes then I feel really lucky. But every guy, every time, is a battle with my own personal demons. I wish I was so self-conscious about how I looked or how tall I am or how large I am. I wish that I could be comfortable around any great guy that I meet (well, if that were the case, I would be dating half of my friends now). But I can't do it, I just can't do it; no matter how much I want feel like a good person and see beyond the physical in everyone I meet I cannot do so because I am bounded by my view of my physical self.

Missing

As much as I have promised that I have given up on emotionally unavailable men and as often as I have lately mused over the prospect of re-entering the dating world, I still miss him. Having these feelings makes me feel like not only a sad person, but it also gives me the feeling of being "less than." I am not quite sure how to describe it, but I feel as if after almost 6 months I should not miss him anymore and the sheer fact that I do makes me unworthy in the eyes of others and I feel pretty pathetic as well.

I probably should have stopped talking to him from the moment our relationship was over, but he was my closest friend, and more importantly, I know that I am one of the, if not the most important person in his life. Even, still to this day, I know that he values my place in his life among all others. He calls me anywhere from one to four or five times a day with absolutely nothing important to say; he just wants to talk to me. Our conversation is never romantic, or fond, come to think of it, it is often not even very clever, but I talk to him none the less. This is probably the main reason why I am still missing him now. And while I am missing him I am still finding myself a little startled, because I am realizing that I am longing more for his friendship than I ever did before.

I am not missing someone in the way that they miss a boyfriend, and as I have mentioned before, I believe that I am on the path to falling "out of love" with him. The hardest thing is that a part of me will always love C and will always miss him. I will love him for the times he gave me, the love we shared and for helping me to become the person that I am today. I will be forever indebted to him for that and much more, but I am beginning to wonder if I really should and need to fully let go of him in order to move forward with the rest of my life.

I wish I had someone who knew both of us better than they knew themselves; someone who would be able to give me the right advice and just tell me what to do. I bet everyone wishes they had someone like that. Fortunately I do, but God never seems to be in a really talkative mood. I just can't wait be over this.

Dating Dance

I decided to take my first steps back into the dating world today and I asked a man out on a date. I didn't wake up this morning thinking that today was going to be the day I took this step, nor did I wake up today even thinking about said man. In fact, it was a funny story.

Due to a miscommunication with my therapist (yes, of course I see a therapist and I am of the personal belief that nobody should go to a doctor that doesn't see a therapist!) I was late for my appointment with him today. The man, whom works in his office and I have chatted with a couple of times, looked so excited to see me walk in and so disappointed when I ran right past him that half the time through my therapy session, all I could think of was his sad puppy dog face. Once I got out of therapy, I saw that he was in one of his Superior's offices so I walked past and kept on going about my business. As I was waiting for my elevator, I saw him through the office window hurry out of the office to catch a glimpse at me. Digression: Now, maybe he wasn't trying to catch a glimpse at me and I do not want to come off as conceited. I am fully aware of how silly all of this sounds. However, I would like to think of myself as a pretty level headed person and based on his practically tripping over his desk to look out the window and responding to my soon to be mentioned action, I am of the personal belief that he was looking out for me. It was then that I decided to signal him over with the "come hither" finger and he came running over to the door. I invited him to join me for the Pirates game next Wednesday and he accepted.

So there I was, feeling proud of myself because I took a step in the right direction and I put myself out there. The funny thing is I didn't feel nervous. I didn't feel like I was exposed to the new world or scared to be trying something new. I always had the conception that people were nervous when performing the "dating dance." I thought that I would be blushing and shy and remarkably out of touch with today's flirting techniques and smooth pick up lines. Yes gentlemen, ladies worry about this too. However, while I felt odd that I was not the least bit concerned with rejection or my nerves what bother me is that I don't feel excited either.

I am telling myself that I will be looking forward to my date by next Tuesday when it is closer to the time and that it is too soon for me to really start thinking about this up and coming night out. But then again, shouldn't this be a bigger deal? I "recently" ended a 5 year relationship so shouldn't I be more invested into then I am? Maybe the fact that I am dedicating a blog to it tells me that I am. However, this entry is not only dedicated to this one date. Oh no, for it is either feast, or famine.

For no sooner had I scheduled this date, that I walked out of the building and ran into an acquaintance of mine who I volunteer with at a local shelter. We meet on the street and I was genuinely happy to see him. I don't recall ever seeing him outside of the shelter and he looked so happy to see me. We talked for a couple of minutes and just updated each other on the past week and he completely side swiped me by asking me out on a date. I was completely shocked! Not only by the fact that he asked me out, because I wasn't aware that he felt that way about me. But also because not less than 5 minutes earlier, I had been asking someone else out on a date! And yet again, not nervous or anxious.

I really pray that my good luck in the "dating dance" today is a sign that I am moving on and showing me that I am slowly able to disassociate feelings of romance and excitement away from C. As for now the next thing I need to do is buy my sister an exact replica of my outfit that I wore today, who as she put it so wisely said, "If you can get two dates in two minutes in those clothes, then I want one in every color!"

Revelation

Like a light shining from the heavens I was blessed with personal insight and understanding. Suddenly so many things became clear to me and my fog of misunderstanding had been cleared. When I went to share my revelation with my companions they simply looked at me and said, "DUH!" Feeling utterly disappointed in myself and silly, I closed my mouth and saved it for my saving grace, my scratching post, my friend that lets me vent to it, my blog.

What is this incredible insight, one might ask? Simple, I cannot fathom the thought of having a partner around me all the time. I cannot imagine not being able to use my bathroom when I want, not having my dinner when I want, not getting to watch all of favorite shows when I am ready and having to share my covers at night. At this point, you might ask, "how is that possible when she has had several serious relationships?" Once again, very simple, and the focus of my enlightenment: All of my adult relationships have been long distance. I have never had to deal with someone being around all of the time because I have never given myself the option of having someone around all the time.

Do I do this to myself? Do I purposely look for men who are distant from me. Lets retrace the steps. E: I was too young, it turned into long distance, but it still doesn't count. M: Long distance, didn't work out for too long. H: Long distance but is that man (every woman has her one man that is all wrong for her, but she still pines over because the chemistry was amazing). C: Of course, long distance. J: Long distance (but in all fairness, when I met him, I thought he was a local). Don't we see a trend!? Do I do this on purpose? I am not sure.

Maybe I am just unlucky and have happened to find men who are not geographically compatible with me, but then again maybe I seek them out. Perhaps I am getting too psychological here, though I did just finish my Psychiatry class, but maybe there is something wrong with me where I seek out unavailable men. I am going to give this more thought in the coming days as it is really bothering me.

The Difference a Year Makes

How do you look into someone's hopeful eyes and tell them that their future looks bleak? This is the challenge I faced today as I was talking to a future first year medical student. I kept staring at him, thinking that I was looking into a mirror of the past. I remember how I felt the exact same way one year ago, excited about starting a new chapter of my life and looking forward to the challenges I was to face. He was interested in my insight into Pitts programs and into the classes and projects. He kept smiling and saying how excited he was to be accepted into Pitt and start medical school. If I had to briefly describe him, I would say that he was just blindingly happy. I was the same way at that time. And I stood there earlier this morning, paralyzed to my spot wondering how I should react to him. Should I be happy for him that he is so excited? Should I be sad knowing that within a years time he is going to feel the exact opposite of how he feels now? Should I tell him how I feel right now or should I lie through my teeth and give a rosy picture of medical school? I had absolutely no idea and just stood there like a statue.

Ready to Date?

I am curious when I will be ready to date again. Mentally, I am ready but spiritually, I feel like I am completely lacking. When is it OK to step out into the world of dating again? Is it like ripping off a band-aid and dealing with the sudden and sharp pain? Or is it more like a paper cut that throbs and hurts for what seems like forever but others regard it as no big deal?

I have been given the opportunity to date since my breakup with C and I haven't taken anyone up on it for several reasons. The first couple happened immediately after the fact and I was not only disgusted by the offer but too upset to even consider it. Some others happened while I was out of town and I never want to do long distance again so those were obviously not pursued. There was a guy that I met today who was interested in me, which I found surprising since Pittsburgh men are generally not attracted to me. (This is a general truth. I have noticed that Pittsburgh men, to no fault of their own are attracted to 5'4, very thin, blond hair, blue eyed girls. If I were a man, I would be attracted to them too and unfortunately I do not fit the bill, but I digress). This guy was really interested in me and wanted my number and I gave it to him and we shall see what I do. The only other man who has been interested in me has been R.

I am ashamed to talk about him and ashamed to admit my feelings for him because R has a girlfriend. She moved here to Pittsburgh to be with him and he spends all of his extra time with me. We haven't crossed the boundaries of friendship, we have barely even touched each other but there is something there. Our friends have questioned our relationship and I reflect on it every time we are together. The way we interact has grown beyond friendly boundaries. When we are in the same room together we somehow wind up next to each other; every conversation winds up into a stare down into each others eyes; every opportunity to spend together is there.

And at the end of the day I am left feeling cheap and terrible because I have feelings for someone who is already taken. I know, for reasons I will not go into in this entry, that he does love her and is comfortable with her, but now feels trapped in his situation because he wasn't expecting someone else to come along in his life that he would have feelings for. This makes it hard for him because he feels that he could be happier if things were different. What makes it hard for me is that he is the only other man besides C that I have ever wanted to kiss.

I know it might sounds weird when I say that I have never wanted to kiss anyone besides C. This doesn't mean that I haven't, it is just that I really didn't want to, even all of my other boyfriends. I never had the desire to really share any physical part of myself with them but I would go ahead because, well, I really don't know why. Yet, I remember my first kiss with C. That entire day all I kept thinking was how much I wanted to kiss him and hug him and just feel close to him. When he finally did kiss me, I think I truly believed in God, because only He could create something that was so wonder yet indescribable and untenable all at the same time. It was absolutely amazing because I had never felt that way for anybody before and until R I hadn't felt that way since.

That is what worries me so much about R. I want to kiss him and I want to be close to him and that doesn't happen often with me. I of course respect myself, R, and his girlfriend way too much to become "the other woman" but I know that simply by being a part of his life, it makes it harder to him to be truly faithful. So what do I do? Should I continue on as I am and be friend who secretly longs for him? What would happen then? Lets say he does leave his girlfriend and winds up with me, will I be over C and be able to start a healthy relationship with him that he deserves? What if I can't do that? Should I just walk away from a person that I actually have feelings for? Do I just give up my friend?

Relationships

I am drowning in a sea of relationships. All around me my colleagues, friends, family and even perfect strangers seem to be battling their own demons. I would really love to see a happy couple. A couple that realizes they have problems, but are still dedicated to only each other and happy that is the case.

Nine of my friends will end this year as newlyweds; that may not seem like much to but when they are all in their early 20's it is a bit much to handle. I feel like such a terrible friend too because I am not happy for them, I can't be and not because I have to buy nine wedding presents and outfits but because I have this feeling that there is no possible way it could last. How sad is that? Are those just the thoughts of a jaded individual or am I not alone in thinking that everyone is making a big mistake by falling into a marriage? What makes it even better is that I then feel hypocritical, because if C had proposed to me while we were still together, I would have probably accepted it, putting me into the same boat as all of them! So what is going on here? Are people just jumping into the first serious relationship that they have? Is it more? I am so uncertain and really curious at the same time too.

I happened to be talking to my little sister the other day who has just graduated from high school and is getting ready to go away to college. She still seems so young to me; she is the baby and she still has so much more to experience and so much more growing up to do. And as I was talking to her and thinking these thoughts, I realized that when I was her age, I was already dating C. I was so ridiculously young when I started dating him and I cannot even ponder the idea that my little sister could be as "mature" as I was to have such a long-lasting and serious relationship. What was I thinking starting a relationship so young? And committing to someone at such a young age? I am not sure I am even mature enough now to handle a life-long relationship. Then again, I look at other who started relationships much later in the game and they are just as/if not worse off then I was with C.

I wonder why relationships are so hard. Wanting to be with someone else is such an essential part of our nature. You would figure that for something we need to survive, it would be easier for us to manage. Of course, we used to only live till the age of 30 so I assume most people could stand someone for a decade or two. Even then, we love our friends and our family, we love our pets and our hobbies even our things and when we are tired of them or bored of them we aren't angry at them and we aren't mad and never want to see them again. So what is it about exes that can evoke such reactions? For every relationship I see come together, I see another split apart. It is so sad and really makes me lose all hope that I am going to find someone out there for me. Of course, it might also be due in part to my pessimistic thinking and my inability to completely get over my ex, but who knows?

I Just Wish I Had More Strength

Before I begin, I must prelude this entry with a quick foray into my past couple of months. I guess I must start by saying there is an obvious pattern in my life: Odd number years are terrible and even number years are wonderful. I don't know why this is, but it has been the pattern throughout my life. Every awful breakup I have had has been in an odd number year, I learned of my father's illness during an odd number year, I have almost failed out of medical school in an odd number year, I was diagnosed with MDD in an odd number year and a whole slew of awful events have taken place in odd number years. Even number years are good, I fell in love during an even number year, bought my first puppy an even number year, graduated an even number year, got accepted into medical school an even number year, I remember the first time I felt truly happy was during an even number year. At this point, even I cannot dismiss this evidence as sheer coincidence. So here we are during an even number year and the start of this blog is proof enough that this hasn't been the best of years.

I remember the moment the year began. It was the first time I had never celebrated New Years Eve. I was in the car with C (who has never enjoyed ringing in the New Year) coming back to his house from a terrible movie. We were driving down this unlit road and I kept staring at the clock until it turned to 12:00. I waited about 30 seconds and when it was clear that C absolutely did not care it was the new year, I wish him a happy one and with nothing more than a wave of his hand he wished me the same. No kiss, no thrill, not even a smile. I should have seen this as a sign, but I didn't. I was just happy that I was sitting next to the man I loved and happy that I could bring in this holiday with him, no matter how pathetic it was. I looked up and I could see the stars through the window and I remember just exhaling and leaning back into my seat. I was actually content and happy that I was going home to spend my night and year with him. At the very same moment, C was realizing how happy he was having me there too, but instead of relishing the moment and trying to enjoy it while he could, a seed was planted in his mind. He was miserable without me there and upset that he couldn't have me at his side every night; so the only logical thing to do (in his mind) was break up with me and try to find someone in his area. He still has not found said person and remains single.

He is partly single because of my own doing. It seems like the moment he broke up with me, he realized what he was losing and wasn't ready to give it up. C decided that he was going to come up to Pittsburgh and visit me. And like a fool, I let him and that is all my fault. To make a long story short (or even as a set up for a future blog) he came here and we had a wonderful time together. I am almost shamed to admit it. I set myself up for weeks, telling myself that I would be completely platonic with him. He would come here and I wouldn't give myself so freely and he would see what he was missing and realize that it is only worth it for him to want to be by my side. I felt such confusion when I caved. More than anything I wanted to be strong and not fall victim to his touch and I couldn't do that. I was so happy that we were together again and happy with each other and at the same time, I was so sad that I was not strong enough to "stick to my guns." The week went by and I felt confused and used yet terribly in love again. I wish I had still kept up with my blog at the time, so I could have gone back to these entries and remember how much I hurt I felt and how much I have overcome since my first teary entry. I just wish I had more strength.

So here I am, several months after his visit and I am still confused. I love C. I love him for all of the memories he gave, for the convictions we share, for his hopes and dreams and even for the confused soul that lives within him. Yet, I don't think I am in love with him anymore. As each day passes, I find myself growing more irritable with him and I feel my frustration increasing. I am not sure if it is a side effect of the depression or not but I know that a part of him that used to love him is gone and will never come back. Too much has happened to me to ever go back to the young girl that once fell head over heels for anyone. It is a sad part of growing up to understand that you have lost your innocence and be at peace with it. I might love C again one day and a part of me hopes that will happen. Not to fear though, an even greater part of me hopes that I will overcome this hold that C has on me and soon I will be able to develop into a wonderful person who is open to new people and experiences in her life. Mostly, I just can't wait for another even year.

Life gets in the way

My thoughts keep me sane. The sheer fact that I haven't had the time or the energy to continue keeping up with them on here has really been a complete shame. The past couple of months has been the hardest, most challenging and self-reflecting period of my life. It is amazing how things such as life maintenance, reflection and personal relationships take a back seat in medical school. With my year wrapping up, I cannot wait to step back and begin writing again. I hope to get a better view over what has been happening to me and share them on this space. I am my most vulnerable and honest when I am clicking away at this keyboard and I think it is time to come back. I just hope and pray everyday that I am strong enough to be open and honest with myself and get through these hard times. Besides, I can't wait to feel happy and at peace again and that time is coming.

Planning

Having the "singles mindset" is something brand new to me again. For so long I never thought about how it must be being single right now. And then I began to do some research. Do you realize that chances of a woman getting married drop by over 80% when you become a doctor? I still haven't yet figured out what the statistics are for having a family of your own, but I imagine that they are much less, especially if you want to be a surgeon. So, I did the silly thing of thinking about family planning.

If I want to take my time meeting someone and developing a stable relationship where I could see a future with them, I figured it would take about 1.5-3 years. Then being engaged, planning a wedding would take about 1 year. Finishing school, getting established in mine and his careers 4 years, then (maybe) children (4 years to be completely done). Therefore if I want to have children before I am 32 I would have had to have started this process two years ago. Well, so much for plans right?

I was talking to one of my dearest friends D. this afternoon. I noticed that he seemed really pensive and distant. When I asked him what was wrong, he blurted out that he was ready to date. I didn't quite understand the dilemma so I preyed further. He apparently did not plan on dating anyone in medical school. When he applied, the last thing on his mind was any sort of relationship and he strongly expressed that his career came first and a family and personal life would come in second. I am not about to sit here and analyze his logic because an entirely different blog could be devoted to that. Well, back to the story, D. was upset. He was upset that something he wasn't planning for hit him so unexpectedly. I wonder what it was in him that changed. What happened so suddenly that he was ready to go against his plan. Maybe it wasn't anything in particular, maybe you can just change in an instant. He wasn't ready to be interested in someone and he wasn't ready to share so much of his time with anyone else, but the bug bit him and there he was, somewhere he didn't want to be.

I couldn't help but think how similar yet different our feelings were. Here we were, two people who because our personal feelings and lives were somewhere we didn't want to be... single. In my case, I was not single by choice and had no desire to be. In his case, he was single by choice and was upset over his decisions. I can't help but wonder how many people out there are unsatisfied with their current relationship status. Better yet and probably more interesting, how many people out there are truly happy. What a disappointment it would be if the former was greater than the latter.

Balance

The hardest thing about medical school is balancing your personal life with your academic life. Because of all the emotions I have been dealing with lately and the immense coursework, my academic performance has suffered. The most recent example would be just yesterday when I was hard at work studying for an upcoming test.

I received a call in the middle of the day from C.. I can remember cringing at the sound of his ring tone and praying that it wouldn't be another exhaustive conversation. Purposefully, I kept my voice harsh and coarse so he wouldn't think that my heart was pounding through my chest. To my surprise, he was crying. Rolling my eyes and thinking that I would have to deal with another emotional conversation about our breakup I slumped back in my chair and gave up the thought of doing anymore more work in that hour. What disappointed me the most was that I was happy to hear that he was just as upset as I was about all of the issues we had been dealing with lately. Then I found out that he was not crying about me, but about his dog instead (so much for dreams of him crawling back on his knees).

His dog had just died. This was the puppy that he had since he was about 6 years old so of course he was upset. And it struck me then, that I was the first person he called. He was sad and the only person he wanted to talk to then was me. What on Earth was I supposed to do? By breaking things off so cruelly with me, he lost that privilege to have me by his side. However, I am his only friend and if he doesn't talk to me, he has no one else to talk to.

A voice inside of me kept screaming, "Hang up! This isn't your problem anymore! It was he who decided to end your relationship! Give him a dose of his own medicine. Make him hurt; make him feel what he decided to give up. He should know that it is not OK anymore to call you at his own whims and desires."

I wondered how that would have felt. He would have been hurting and he would have realized what he lost. Here I have the chance to make him hurt now as much as he made me hurt beforehand, but then I thought, what type of a person would I be? How can I do this to anyone? So, I stayed on the phone against my better judgement and I consoled him. I lost a good amount of study time and will suffer because of it, but I stayed; I listened and I comforted. I don't feel any better because of it, if anything I poured salt on a still open wound. We hung up and he was laughing and feeling better and I sat there on my bed and cried for what seemed like hours. Was it the right decision? I don't know. I had to balance between my thoughts and my feelings and decide what was more important and I listened to my heart instead of my mind and hopefully some good will come out of it for me. Now it is back to studying so I can pass this block and keep on moving forward.

I will not always be sad

This blog is all about relationships and not just mine. While in lecture today, I was listening to a friend of mine talking about trying to be a good girlfriend. She looked so happy when she talked of how she woke up early to make him coffee and see him off for the day. And seeing her glowing like this, just made me happy too.

It is wonderful to know that not everyone feels the way that I do now. Moments like that are so important because they really help keep everything in perspective. I just wanted to state for the record, that I will not always be sad or skeptical on relationships. They are these wonderful forces that make people get out of their beds everyday. I cannot wait till the hurt is over and the pain is gone so I look just as happy as my girlfriend and actually mean it (see first post).

There is still lots more to share and more to grow.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

I was angry. While talking to a good, yet cynical friend of mine about the manner of my breakup, he suggested that C. was cheating on me. As much as he brought on his "D game," I knew that C. wasn't the type to cheat, yet that seed of doubt was still planted in me. So there went thinking about my lecture or paying attention during physical exam. The only thing I could think about was who she was.

Who was this wonderful girl who caught C.'s attentions? Was she prettier than me (not likely), thinner (most definitely), more petite (that is not hard), smarter (maybe)? I kept picking out all of my short-comings and imagining that she was the exact opposite of everything C. found flawed in me. Who is this idyllic creature that captivated him? How inferior can she make me feel? Who is this girl, I wonder, this girl who C. thought was worthy to take my place. Now, I do not mean to brag or boast; I have faults that extend miles into the sky and probably break through our atmosphere, but I am a good girl, a good catch and a good person. I loved C. with all of my heart and poured so much of myself into our relationship. As I think back to all of the sacrifices I made, it seems perplexing that anyone else would be willing to do so much for him.

Loving C. was so difficult at times. He is very shy and quiet. He likes to keep to himself and meets more people that he dislikes than likes. He is obsessed with his computer, and his video games, and his music. And he rarely sees any faults in himself. He never had any close friends. In fact, when I say that I was his only friend, I really mean that I was his only friend, his best friend, his girlfriend, and apparently the person he cared about the most. I think about that and still wonder why would he treat me so poorly?

I feel like a fabulous new toy. You know, the type of toy that you have been dreaming of and begged for when you were younger and you finally got it and you never thought you could be happier. You loved this toy and you played with it constantly and one day, for not apparent reason, you decided that I (this toy) just wasn't so great anymore. So it gets tossed under the bed, to collect dust just waiting to be played with.

So naturally, after dealing with all of these emotions, I confront him. He denies that there is anyone else, and I believe him. He says that he is sorry, and I believe him. He says that he still cares for me, and not a single ounce of my being can believe him. I, personally, cannot treat anyone who I have an iota of feelings for with such disrespect, especially not C.. He claims that he wanted a relationship with me and he thought that it could work, until I came to spend time with him at the end of December. I believe his exact words were, "I had such a wonderful time with you then, that after you left I got really lonely and realized that a weekend here and there just wasn't enough." Funny how things like that go, because he refused to visit me in Pittsburgh and he refused to take time off of work to do so and he refused to consider applying for graduate schools out here and he refused to consider looking for a job here. So, if he "loves me so much" and "want(s) to have a future with (me)" and "really wish(es) there was some other way," why didn't he even consider it? Not even a fleeting thought.

For the past three years, I have not asked him for a shred of commitment. I tried to apply to medical schools in his area and wasn't accepted into any. He didn't even try to apply anywhere near me. I tried to visit him as often as I could and he didn't. I wrung every bit of "trying" out of me until my hands bled. Why did I do this? Because I still wanted to make up to him, for the mistakes I have made in the past.

He blamed me for many things in his life that didn't turn out the way he wanted and since he is no monster he realized how absurd this thinking was and spent months begging for my forgiveness, which, of course and like a fool, I gladly gave. However, those words stuck with me. How could I ask this man for any level of commitment? If things didn't work out exactly as planned, was he going to blame me again for unfortunate turns in his life. Let's say he came to Pittsburgh to be with me, but he wasn't thrilled with graduate school over here. Was this going to be brought up in every argument until the day I died?

I can see it now: "I don't have the time to spend with you because I have to work too hard! Besides, you shouldn't be asking me for time! You asked me to come be with you and I did and because of you I went to a school that I hated! So you just need to pipe down!" I wasn't willing to risk that and because of that he has left me, apparently still loving me, but since the long distance is way too hard now there is absolutely no chance of it every changing, case closed, no arguments, I am done and there is nothing you can do to change it. Haha, well, I guess no matter what I did, I couldn't have changed this outcome. It is just like the saying: damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Breakdown

It is amazing; the first day that I am ready and open to tell my peers about my new state of "singleness" I get asked out on two dates. I am beginning to wonder what was the mindset of these two people. Maybe it is my fault because I am too good of an actress. For years, I have been smiling through the rough periods and I have given the illusion of a happy personal life. Since I have had all of this practice, it has made it rather easy to keep my composure when out in public. If you were to see me on the street, you would swear that I didn't have a care in the world. It is only when I am alone in my apartment, and here typing away at this keyboard when I breakdown.


To be in a relationship means to be deceptive. Let's face it, we have all had to face our own demons because no relationship is perfect. But I wonder, why do we lie to each other? Why did I sit there and pretend to be fine all of the many times that I am not? I am a very personal person but I can be very open to. Yet, it is quite baffling to me that sometimes, especially when I am hurting, I cannot be open with the people that are the dearest to me, but I can be completely open to an acquaintance, to a friend, to a stranger. What is it about our society where we are afraid to show others how we are truly feeling, especially when it matters the most?

Long Distance

I guess it is true that long distance is a relationship killer. But silly me, I thought that we were beyond that. I guess my reasons for thinking so were because our entire relationship was long distance. Yup, from the very start. I met C. at the airport. I can still see his red backpack slung over his shoulder and blue pillow in hand; he looked so confident and so mature. I leaned over to my girlfriend and said something which probably was one of the reasons I hung onto to him for so long after we started having problems. "Do you see that guy over there? I am going to marry him." Looking back some silly spur of the moment feeling is not a reason to be under-appreciated for 3 years.

Though it all seemed to fit in together so nicely. It turns out that he was on my same flight; we were supposed to sit next to each other but I changed my ticket last minute to sit next to my girlfriend. We were at the same orientation week. I wrote down my screen name on his hand. He never IMed me because he apparently washed his hands before he had a chance to write it down. We even had a mutual friend who later gave me his screen name. And I IMed him; I made that first move, again, and we were inseparable since then. I put so much work into this guy. More than I had for anyone else I was ever interested in. Why? He was, and till this day remains the only guy I ever wanted to kiss.

So, we talked online for months. When he finally told me that he liked me, I remember bringing up how awful it was that we were far away. C. assured me that it made no difference to him. He told me that I was worth it and that he had never felt that way before. I guess I assumed that he still felt that way.

He lived two hours away from me when we were at home and we got to see each other twice that summer. The first time, I of course, went to visit him, the next was his turn. We then went away to college and were then three hours away from each other. Not having a car, made the chances to me visiting him, slim to none; so, he came down to see me almost every weekend. It was our happiest time together.

After 5 years, I have gotten used to this distance. So, silly me, I figured that since I was now in Pittsburgh and C. was in Atlanta that a plane trip every now and then would be about right. It would be enough where we could both see each other about 6 times a year (which was about right) and we would just take it from there. It was actually pretty convenient in medical school. I had time to study and hang out with friends and at the end of the day, there was someone special to talk to. I got to go to sleep every night to the voice of the man I loved and I never felt guilty about going out with friends or trying to include and introduce someone into my group of friends. Perfection, plain and simple.

However, C. did not feel the way I felt. I believe the exact words were, "Every time I go out and meet people, or see something, or try something new, I always wish that you were there. And that is just too hard for me." So apparently, if I have analyzed this correctly, he wanted to break up with me, because he always wanted to be with me? Right? I can't help but be a bit cynical and think that he was feeding me a lie. Maybe in time I will be able to figure out the real reason why things didn't work out. But if he wants to blame it on the distance now, sure, I will go for it.

Now don't get me wrong, the long distance was tough. I can't even count the number of times I missed him so much that it actually, physically hurt. Hmm, I wonder where I can find that condition on PubMed. I wasn't happy with the situation, but C. was worth it. He was worth hanging onto because I saw a wonderful future with him. We had just seen each other and had the most wonderful time celebrating the New Year together. That was enough to last me for awhile. Unfortunately, I was the only one that felt that way.

The worst thing about this entire situation is that I feel that I am not worth the effort. I wonder, what is so wrong with me that you wouldn't want to continue this relationship with me? What is my big flaw? Where do I need to improve my personality so someone actually wants to be with me, so somebody wants to make the effort with me, so somebody just wants... me?

Even as I read over these pages and think back to formal events, I feel so dumb. And I have never thought of myself as "dumb." I am a smart woman and I believe I took a very logical and reasonable approach to this relationship. Yet, I wonder how a person could feel a certain way about someone and he does not return your feelings. Reflecting on how I am feeling, I wonder how it is that I feel so unwanted and so unloved when even I know there are many wonderful and good things about me. I guess it is a prime example of how much a woman can change because of her love for a man.

Introduction

I was sitting in lecture hall the other waiting for my professor to begin another hour of immunoglobulins and major histocompatibitly complexes when my very good girlfriend leans over and asks me how things are going with C.

"Ok," I think, "I can do this." I place on the dowey eyes and the large smile and lie through my teeth when I say, "Everything is wonderful. He has been so sweet to me lately." Unfortunately, everything isn't so wonderful and I am aware of it too. This seems to placate my friend and I promptly turn back to the lecture and quickly push my lies out of my mind and focus on trying to stay awake.

Like every other woman out there who knows when a breakup is coming around the corner, I knew it too. It is like a rolling thunder that you can hear from a distance. It starts out small and you ignore it, but as the thunder gets louder and closer you are know it is coming straight for you. It is going to rattle your bones as well as reverberate off all the walls of your home. Then, you sit and wait and prepare for it to come, but no matter how much waiting and preparing you do, it still shocks you. The sheer strength and sound makes your heart beat just a little faster. And even though you have experienced it before, you are never quite ready for it.

This is technically the second time C. and I have split. The first was two years ago where the arguing was too much to take and the good times were few and far between. No big, it happens. Once we broke up it was like a giant cloud had been lifted off of our shoulders. We were happy. I was happy and over the course of time we weren't talking as much, we weren't really anything and I was ready to move on.

I loved being single. My girlfriends at the time were absolutely amazing. I had all the support and love I could ever need and when I was least expecting it J. comes into the picture. If I could pick anyone more opposite from C. it was definitely J. He gave me absolutely everything that I couldn't get from C. and he absolutely adored me. I mean, here was this wonderful man who listened to what I had to say. He thought I was interesting and funny and he took care of me when I was sick. I cannot begin to tell you how special it made me feel to have someone around who actually wanted to be with me. It was at the time that I realized everything I loved about J. was exactly everything I wanted from C. and all I could think about was how much I wished C. was like J., so, I ended it with J. because he deserved much more than I could have been able to give him and it wasn't fair. Last I heard, J. was dating a very nice girl and being successful. I am so happy for him.

Shortly after, when C realized (through very mischievous means) that I had dated someone else, he all of a sudden turned back into the person I had fallen in love with 4 years earlier. I kept telling myself, "This is different," and, "He doesn't just want what he can't have; he honestly wants to work things out with me again." So, C. and I were a couple again and things were pretty good, not great, but good for the next year. Now don't get me wrong, I was happy. We loved talking to each other and being each other's best friend. We graduated and started work for him and medical school for me. We were both happy with our professional lives and with each other, but it wasn't enough for him.

Yesterday, during a late night conversation he brings out the dreaded 4 words. Now, not your typical, "we need to talk," no, the four words I absolutely hated to hear from him are, "What exactly are we?" The moment I heard them, I knew it was over and now I am here exposing myself in the most personal of ways because the person who I normally talk to is currently socializing at a singles night, not one day after we broke up.

Now I am not bitter, or angry or even that upset. I am confused and sad and I will spend my time on this blog trying to figure out how things got this way. I want to analyze what I did to contribute to this blow, what I shouldn't do in the future and understand why C. felt the way that he did. So, as I spent countless hours in the anatomy lab dissecting away and trying to figure out how the human body works, I am going to dissect away this breakup and figure out exactly how this all works and how to come through it at the end with flying colors.