Comments

When I created this blog, it was for the sheer purpose that maybe, one person would read it and be able to come to terms with their break-up or learn what perhaps the other party is thinking. I never expected the outpouring of emails and posts that I have received from fellow bloggers. I am thrilled that my own experiences could help any one of you. I am sorry if I have not answered any questions or left people out there wondering; that was not my intention. The past year was a roller coaster of change and emotions for me and quite frankly I never checked my blog. I will answer some questions now in the hope that if any of you read this again.

It has been over a year and a half since I have talked to C. His mother still calls me and updates me on how he and her entire family is doing. I still think about him often with both warm and hurt feelings. I hear that he is dating again which honestly, thrills me. I want nothing but the best for him in this world. We were both so much younger and I cannot hold him to how he acted before. I have been privileged to date some wonderful men and he is amongst them. I know that we will never be friends again and I will most likely never see him again, but he remains in my thoughts and I believe that I will never stop thinking about him. He knows that if he ever wants me to be a part of his life again, that I am here as a friend, always. The same situation applies to J. He is one of the best men I have ever met and we broke-up on amicable terms. I still consider him one of my closest friends and attended his weddings four months ago.

I am still dating and very happy with where I am in my life. I recently quit medical school after realizing how miserable it made me. I was fortunate enough to secure a job in this frustrating economic time and I am completely self-sufficient. I am inspired by the kind words you have left me and touched that I could help anyone with my experience. Please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions, criticisms or advice. I welcome it all and promise you that when another crisis hits me, I will be unabashedly sharing my perspective and thoughts right here.

Update

Well, I feel that this is entitled. So much has happened since I last posted on this blog that there is almost too much to tell! So, let start with C.

After several strained and teary conversations I finally had the courage to tell C. in no unclear terms that I was no longer in love with him. I still love him very much, but I love him because of all the history that we had together. I would not be who I am today without his help and influence in my life. He decided at that time that we should not talk anymore and we haven't. I miss my friend, but I do not blame him for wanting to move on with his life. His mother has called me several times since then. So, I know that he is doing well. He is still living in Atlanta and moving up the corporate ladder. I wish he knew how proud I am and I hope one day, I have the opportunity to tell him.

The last time I wrote J. and I were still together. We took an amazing road trip across the country together and realized how in love we were. When we finally made it to his final destination we decided that we could never forgive ourselves if we didn't try to make it work. So, we started making plans for me to move out there after I finished up this year of schooling. We saw each other several times a month, made plans, bought an apartment together and went through some very rough times. And right when the last "t" was to be crossed and the last "i" dotted he decided that I shouldn't move out there to be with him. I can understand his thinking, though I feel it was flawed. He had a lot of pressure on him. He would always tell me that he didn't understand why a girl like me would want to be with someone like him. He didn't want to feel responsible for my sadness if things didn't work out. Well, this is at least what he told me. I honestly think that he was the one that didn't want to be sad. I think that he will give up on the best opportunities in his life out of fear that he will be disappointed down the road. He has been let down before and I am scared that he is not strong enough to handle anymore rejection in his life. He let me go because he was afraid. And you know what? I am not bitter or sad about it. I am sad for him. Next week will have been the week I was to move out to be with him and so much has changed since those plans were made. In a way, I am proud of myself for actually taking a chance on happiness; it wasn't something that I did with C and I am happy that I did not walk out of that relationship completely jaded.

I am in a much better place in my life than I was a year ago. I am currently single, yet dating and I am very happy with my situation. I am sure that I will have many more breakups, but I grow from each one. I am so thankful to every man that has allowed me to be a part of their lives. I would not be who I am today without them and they are all wonderful in their own way.

The end

I have debated whether or not to continue posting on this blog since I feel that this breakup is over. My lack of posts contributes to that among many other factors including starting classes once again, family problems and the continuation of my relationship with J.

Tonight, however, I am officially breaking things off with C. In a sense, I am cutting that last string of hope that I had for a future for us together. I plan on doing this, by coming clean about my relationship with J. I know that C. will not want to hear it and I know that I should have told him sooner. I want to still be so angry at C. for all that he put me through, but at the end of today, I find myself filled with pity and I feel my own shame for not being able to be honest with him.

Thus, this makes it the official end of to the breakup. Will I continue to blog, I am not sure; but I know that by doing this, I have gotten some sense of self and have slowly healed the wounds that were so deep in my soul that they will leave scars forever. I hope is that someone out there who might happen upon this blog, find my situation, similar or funny or sad and just learn from it. So, for now at least, goodbye.... until later?

My Response

The past week has been one of the most emotionally exhausting of my entire life. I feel weak, tired and completely numb. This wasn't the way I pictured myself feeling after being proposed to. I always thought that I would be blissfully in love and on cloud nine for months after I discovered that someone on this planet wanted to spend the rest of their time on Earth sharing it with me. I am instead feeling hollow and frustrated.

For 5 years, I would have loved nothing more than for C to propose to me. I was waiting for it and I was hoping for it. I was sitting back and waiting for the man that I loved to realize that he loved me in return just as much. But he didn't. He broke up with me in a very cruel way and now I discover that he apparently loved me the entire time, though he did not show it and he expected that I be in love with him in return. When I finally told him several weeks ago that I was distancing myself from him so I could move on, he realized that he was losing me, forever. It was this movement that all of a sudden spurred him into action and drove him to finally express himself to me that way I had hoped he would years before. He finally told me that he loved me, that he had been in love with me this whole time, that breaking up with me was a huge mistake and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

My response: I don't love you anymore. It is the truth and it is the sad truth. His actions were too little and too late. I am not in love with him anymore. He hurt me too much for me to consider a lifetime with him. What is worse is that he wouldn't accept this as an answer so he says he is going to fight for me. He even booked a flight to Pittsburgh to come and see me. What I find most frustrating is that from time to time, this prospect sounds good and I have to remind myself to step back.

Wow

C proposed to me tonight.

Random Thoughts

Don't fall for this one, don't you dare fall for this one. I have to remind myself of this every time I look into J's eyes. I feel like a silly high school student again because I should feel so strongly for someone I have known for so little of a time. I wonder if I am so attracted to him because I know that he is leaving in several weeks. It seems like I have jumped from one turbulent sea that I at least knew how to navigate to a vast calm ocean that I have no idea how to cross. I have no idea what is better. Right now, I have everything to be thankful for for my relationship with J. He is attentive, intelligent and so giving of himself. What I find amazing is that he truly wants to be with me. Every day we look into each other's eyes and get close to each other and are thankful for every minute and now I am unsure what will happen at the end of the summer. What was supposed to be just a fun relationship has turned into something serious. Goodness, I need to be careful and stop rambling.

Letting Go

I cannot quite describe it. I feel like I have been holding onto a broken off piece of myself for so long. I have seen it chip away, fall off and I have cradled it in my arms mourning over its loss for so long. Within the past couple of weeks I believe that I have wiped off my tears and I am ready to let go. I wish that I had the words to describe how I have changed.

About a month ago, all I could think of was C and how I wished he would changed. Today, he has changed into the person I had longed for and I no longer desire him. I was able to talk to him, without tears or emotions getting the best of me and tell him that I wanted to move on. I was able to tell him that there was no future for us. I was able to tell him that I didn't want to talk to him as much anymore. It was freeing and releasing and he gave me a great gift; he let me go.

He said he is letting me move on. Let's see from now on if he holds true to his word because I really do not want to falter and fall back into his arms and clutch onto that piece of myself that cannot be a part of me anymore.

In other news, J is taking me to meet his parents tonight. This might be moving a little too quickly and I really don't want to use him as a rebound. I don't have much time to write about this now, but I can already feel my fingers itching to get back to the keyboard so I can analyze myself more and figure out exactly how I am doing in this crazy post-breakup world.