Damned if you do, damned if you don't

I was angry. While talking to a good, yet cynical friend of mine about the manner of my breakup, he suggested that C. was cheating on me. As much as he brought on his "D game," I knew that C. wasn't the type to cheat, yet that seed of doubt was still planted in me. So there went thinking about my lecture or paying attention during physical exam. The only thing I could think about was who she was.

Who was this wonderful girl who caught C.'s attentions? Was she prettier than me (not likely), thinner (most definitely), more petite (that is not hard), smarter (maybe)? I kept picking out all of my short-comings and imagining that she was the exact opposite of everything C. found flawed in me. Who is this idyllic creature that captivated him? How inferior can she make me feel? Who is this girl, I wonder, this girl who C. thought was worthy to take my place. Now, I do not mean to brag or boast; I have faults that extend miles into the sky and probably break through our atmosphere, but I am a good girl, a good catch and a good person. I loved C. with all of my heart and poured so much of myself into our relationship. As I think back to all of the sacrifices I made, it seems perplexing that anyone else would be willing to do so much for him.

Loving C. was so difficult at times. He is very shy and quiet. He likes to keep to himself and meets more people that he dislikes than likes. He is obsessed with his computer, and his video games, and his music. And he rarely sees any faults in himself. He never had any close friends. In fact, when I say that I was his only friend, I really mean that I was his only friend, his best friend, his girlfriend, and apparently the person he cared about the most. I think about that and still wonder why would he treat me so poorly?

I feel like a fabulous new toy. You know, the type of toy that you have been dreaming of and begged for when you were younger and you finally got it and you never thought you could be happier. You loved this toy and you played with it constantly and one day, for not apparent reason, you decided that I (this toy) just wasn't so great anymore. So it gets tossed under the bed, to collect dust just waiting to be played with.

So naturally, after dealing with all of these emotions, I confront him. He denies that there is anyone else, and I believe him. He says that he is sorry, and I believe him. He says that he still cares for me, and not a single ounce of my being can believe him. I, personally, cannot treat anyone who I have an iota of feelings for with such disrespect, especially not C.. He claims that he wanted a relationship with me and he thought that it could work, until I came to spend time with him at the end of December. I believe his exact words were, "I had such a wonderful time with you then, that after you left I got really lonely and realized that a weekend here and there just wasn't enough." Funny how things like that go, because he refused to visit me in Pittsburgh and he refused to take time off of work to do so and he refused to consider applying for graduate schools out here and he refused to consider looking for a job here. So, if he "loves me so much" and "want(s) to have a future with (me)" and "really wish(es) there was some other way," why didn't he even consider it? Not even a fleeting thought.

For the past three years, I have not asked him for a shred of commitment. I tried to apply to medical schools in his area and wasn't accepted into any. He didn't even try to apply anywhere near me. I tried to visit him as often as I could and he didn't. I wrung every bit of "trying" out of me until my hands bled. Why did I do this? Because I still wanted to make up to him, for the mistakes I have made in the past.

He blamed me for many things in his life that didn't turn out the way he wanted and since he is no monster he realized how absurd this thinking was and spent months begging for my forgiveness, which, of course and like a fool, I gladly gave. However, those words stuck with me. How could I ask this man for any level of commitment? If things didn't work out exactly as planned, was he going to blame me again for unfortunate turns in his life. Let's say he came to Pittsburgh to be with me, but he wasn't thrilled with graduate school over here. Was this going to be brought up in every argument until the day I died?

I can see it now: "I don't have the time to spend with you because I have to work too hard! Besides, you shouldn't be asking me for time! You asked me to come be with you and I did and because of you I went to a school that I hated! So you just need to pipe down!" I wasn't willing to risk that and because of that he has left me, apparently still loving me, but since the long distance is way too hard now there is absolutely no chance of it every changing, case closed, no arguments, I am done and there is nothing you can do to change it. Haha, well, I guess no matter what I did, I couldn't have changed this outcome. It is just like the saying: damned if you do and damned if you don't.