Ready to Date?

I am curious when I will be ready to date again. Mentally, I am ready but spiritually, I feel like I am completely lacking. When is it OK to step out into the world of dating again? Is it like ripping off a band-aid and dealing with the sudden and sharp pain? Or is it more like a paper cut that throbs and hurts for what seems like forever but others regard it as no big deal?

I have been given the opportunity to date since my breakup with C and I haven't taken anyone up on it for several reasons. The first couple happened immediately after the fact and I was not only disgusted by the offer but too upset to even consider it. Some others happened while I was out of town and I never want to do long distance again so those were obviously not pursued. There was a guy that I met today who was interested in me, which I found surprising since Pittsburgh men are generally not attracted to me. (This is a general truth. I have noticed that Pittsburgh men, to no fault of their own are attracted to 5'4, very thin, blond hair, blue eyed girls. If I were a man, I would be attracted to them too and unfortunately I do not fit the bill, but I digress). This guy was really interested in me and wanted my number and I gave it to him and we shall see what I do. The only other man who has been interested in me has been R.

I am ashamed to talk about him and ashamed to admit my feelings for him because R has a girlfriend. She moved here to Pittsburgh to be with him and he spends all of his extra time with me. We haven't crossed the boundaries of friendship, we have barely even touched each other but there is something there. Our friends have questioned our relationship and I reflect on it every time we are together. The way we interact has grown beyond friendly boundaries. When we are in the same room together we somehow wind up next to each other; every conversation winds up into a stare down into each others eyes; every opportunity to spend together is there.

And at the end of the day I am left feeling cheap and terrible because I have feelings for someone who is already taken. I know, for reasons I will not go into in this entry, that he does love her and is comfortable with her, but now feels trapped in his situation because he wasn't expecting someone else to come along in his life that he would have feelings for. This makes it hard for him because he feels that he could be happier if things were different. What makes it hard for me is that he is the only other man besides C that I have ever wanted to kiss.

I know it might sounds weird when I say that I have never wanted to kiss anyone besides C. This doesn't mean that I haven't, it is just that I really didn't want to, even all of my other boyfriends. I never had the desire to really share any physical part of myself with them but I would go ahead because, well, I really don't know why. Yet, I remember my first kiss with C. That entire day all I kept thinking was how much I wanted to kiss him and hug him and just feel close to him. When he finally did kiss me, I think I truly believed in God, because only He could create something that was so wonder yet indescribable and untenable all at the same time. It was absolutely amazing because I had never felt that way for anybody before and until R I hadn't felt that way since.

That is what worries me so much about R. I want to kiss him and I want to be close to him and that doesn't happen often with me. I of course respect myself, R, and his girlfriend way too much to become "the other woman" but I know that simply by being a part of his life, it makes it harder to him to be truly faithful. So what do I do? Should I continue on as I am and be friend who secretly longs for him? What would happen then? Lets say he does leave his girlfriend and winds up with me, will I be over C and be able to start a healthy relationship with him that he deserves? What if I can't do that? Should I just walk away from a person that I actually have feelings for? Do I just give up my friend?