Long Distance

I guess it is true that long distance is a relationship killer. But silly me, I thought that we were beyond that. I guess my reasons for thinking so were because our entire relationship was long distance. Yup, from the very start. I met C. at the airport. I can still see his red backpack slung over his shoulder and blue pillow in hand; he looked so confident and so mature. I leaned over to my girlfriend and said something which probably was one of the reasons I hung onto to him for so long after we started having problems. "Do you see that guy over there? I am going to marry him." Looking back some silly spur of the moment feeling is not a reason to be under-appreciated for 3 years.

Though it all seemed to fit in together so nicely. It turns out that he was on my same flight; we were supposed to sit next to each other but I changed my ticket last minute to sit next to my girlfriend. We were at the same orientation week. I wrote down my screen name on his hand. He never IMed me because he apparently washed his hands before he had a chance to write it down. We even had a mutual friend who later gave me his screen name. And I IMed him; I made that first move, again, and we were inseparable since then. I put so much work into this guy. More than I had for anyone else I was ever interested in. Why? He was, and till this day remains the only guy I ever wanted to kiss.

So, we talked online for months. When he finally told me that he liked me, I remember bringing up how awful it was that we were far away. C. assured me that it made no difference to him. He told me that I was worth it and that he had never felt that way before. I guess I assumed that he still felt that way.

He lived two hours away from me when we were at home and we got to see each other twice that summer. The first time, I of course, went to visit him, the next was his turn. We then went away to college and were then three hours away from each other. Not having a car, made the chances to me visiting him, slim to none; so, he came down to see me almost every weekend. It was our happiest time together.

After 5 years, I have gotten used to this distance. So, silly me, I figured that since I was now in Pittsburgh and C. was in Atlanta that a plane trip every now and then would be about right. It would be enough where we could both see each other about 6 times a year (which was about right) and we would just take it from there. It was actually pretty convenient in medical school. I had time to study and hang out with friends and at the end of the day, there was someone special to talk to. I got to go to sleep every night to the voice of the man I loved and I never felt guilty about going out with friends or trying to include and introduce someone into my group of friends. Perfection, plain and simple.

However, C. did not feel the way I felt. I believe the exact words were, "Every time I go out and meet people, or see something, or try something new, I always wish that you were there. And that is just too hard for me." So apparently, if I have analyzed this correctly, he wanted to break up with me, because he always wanted to be with me? Right? I can't help but be a bit cynical and think that he was feeding me a lie. Maybe in time I will be able to figure out the real reason why things didn't work out. But if he wants to blame it on the distance now, sure, I will go for it.

Now don't get me wrong, the long distance was tough. I can't even count the number of times I missed him so much that it actually, physically hurt. Hmm, I wonder where I can find that condition on PubMed. I wasn't happy with the situation, but C. was worth it. He was worth hanging onto because I saw a wonderful future with him. We had just seen each other and had the most wonderful time celebrating the New Year together. That was enough to last me for awhile. Unfortunately, I was the only one that felt that way.

The worst thing about this entire situation is that I feel that I am not worth the effort. I wonder, what is so wrong with me that you wouldn't want to continue this relationship with me? What is my big flaw? Where do I need to improve my personality so someone actually wants to be with me, so somebody wants to make the effort with me, so somebody just wants... me?

Even as I read over these pages and think back to formal events, I feel so dumb. And I have never thought of myself as "dumb." I am a smart woman and I believe I took a very logical and reasonable approach to this relationship. Yet, I wonder how a person could feel a certain way about someone and he does not return your feelings. Reflecting on how I am feeling, I wonder how it is that I feel so unwanted and so unloved when even I know there are many wonderful and good things about me. I guess it is a prime example of how much a woman can change because of her love for a man.