Balance

The hardest thing about medical school is balancing your personal life with your academic life. Because of all the emotions I have been dealing with lately and the immense coursework, my academic performance has suffered. The most recent example would be just yesterday when I was hard at work studying for an upcoming test.

I received a call in the middle of the day from C.. I can remember cringing at the sound of his ring tone and praying that it wouldn't be another exhaustive conversation. Purposefully, I kept my voice harsh and coarse so he wouldn't think that my heart was pounding through my chest. To my surprise, he was crying. Rolling my eyes and thinking that I would have to deal with another emotional conversation about our breakup I slumped back in my chair and gave up the thought of doing anymore more work in that hour. What disappointed me the most was that I was happy to hear that he was just as upset as I was about all of the issues we had been dealing with lately. Then I found out that he was not crying about me, but about his dog instead (so much for dreams of him crawling back on his knees).

His dog had just died. This was the puppy that he had since he was about 6 years old so of course he was upset. And it struck me then, that I was the first person he called. He was sad and the only person he wanted to talk to then was me. What on Earth was I supposed to do? By breaking things off so cruelly with me, he lost that privilege to have me by his side. However, I am his only friend and if he doesn't talk to me, he has no one else to talk to.

A voice inside of me kept screaming, "Hang up! This isn't your problem anymore! It was he who decided to end your relationship! Give him a dose of his own medicine. Make him hurt; make him feel what he decided to give up. He should know that it is not OK anymore to call you at his own whims and desires."

I wondered how that would have felt. He would have been hurting and he would have realized what he lost. Here I have the chance to make him hurt now as much as he made me hurt beforehand, but then I thought, what type of a person would I be? How can I do this to anyone? So, I stayed on the phone against my better judgement and I consoled him. I lost a good amount of study time and will suffer because of it, but I stayed; I listened and I comforted. I don't feel any better because of it, if anything I poured salt on a still open wound. We hung up and he was laughing and feeling better and I sat there on my bed and cried for what seemed like hours. Was it the right decision? I don't know. I had to balance between my thoughts and my feelings and decide what was more important and I listened to my heart instead of my mind and hopefully some good will come out of it for me. Now it is back to studying so I can pass this block and keep on moving forward.