Having the "singles mindset" is something brand new to me again. For so long I never thought about how it must be being single right now. And then I began to do some research. Do you realize that chances of a woman getting married drop by over 80% when you become a doctor? I still haven't yet figured out what the statistics are for having a family of your own, but I imagine that they are much less, especially if you want to be a surgeon. So, I did the silly thing of thinking about family planning.
If I want to take my time meeting someone and developing a stable relationship where I could see a future with them, I figured it would take about 1.5-3 years. Then being engaged, planning a wedding would take about 1 year. Finishing school, getting established in mine and his careers 4 years, then (maybe) children (4 years to be completely done). Therefore if I want to have children before I am 32 I would have had to have started this process two years ago. Well, so much for plans right?
I was talking to one of my dearest friends D. this afternoon. I noticed that he seemed really pensive and distant. When I asked him what was wrong, he blurted out that he was ready to date. I didn't quite understand the dilemma so I preyed further. He apparently did not plan on dating anyone in medical school. When he applied, the last thing on his mind was any sort of relationship and he strongly expressed that his career came first and a family and personal life would come in second. I am not about to sit here and analyze his logic because an entirely different blog could be devoted to that. Well, back to the story, D. was upset. He was upset that something he wasn't planning for hit him so unexpectedly. I wonder what it was in him that changed. What happened so suddenly that he was ready to go against his plan. Maybe it wasn't anything in particular, maybe you can just change in an instant. He wasn't ready to be interested in someone and he wasn't ready to share so much of his time with anyone else, but the bug bit him and there he was, somewhere he didn't want to be.
I couldn't help but think how similar yet different our feelings were. Here we were, two people who because our personal feelings and lives were somewhere we didn't want to be... single. In my case, I was not single by choice and had no desire to be. In his case, he was single by choice and was upset over his decisions. I can't help but wonder how many people out there are unsatisfied with their current relationship status. Better yet and probably more interesting, how many people out there are truly happy. What a disappointment it would be if the former was greater than the latter.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Balance
The hardest thing about medical school is balancing your personal life with your academic life. Because of all the emotions I have been dealing with lately and the immense coursework, my academic performance has suffered. The most recent example would be just yesterday when I was hard at work studying for an upcoming test.
I received a call in the middle of the day from C.. I can remember cringing at the sound of his ring tone and praying that it wouldn't be another exhaustive conversation. Purposefully, I kept my voice harsh and coarse so he wouldn't think that my heart was pounding through my chest. To my surprise, he was crying. Rolling my eyes and thinking that I would have to deal with another emotional conversation about our breakup I slumped back in my chair and gave up the thought of doing anymore more work in that hour. What disappointed me the most was that I was happy to hear that he was just as upset as I was about all of the issues we had been dealing with lately. Then I found out that he was not crying about me, but about his dog instead (so much for dreams of him crawling back on his knees).
His dog had just died. This was the puppy that he had since he was about 6 years old so of course he was upset. And it struck me then, that I was the first person he called. He was sad and the only person he wanted to talk to then was me. What on Earth was I supposed to do? By breaking things off so cruelly with me, he lost that privilege to have me by his side. However, I am his only friend and if he doesn't talk to me, he has no one else to talk to.
A voice inside of me kept screaming, "Hang up! This isn't your problem anymore! It was he who decided to end your relationship! Give him a dose of his own medicine. Make him hurt; make him feel what he decided to give up. He should know that it is not OK anymore to call you at his own whims and desires."
I wondered how that would have felt. He would have been hurting and he would have realized what he lost. Here I have the chance to make him hurt now as much as he made me hurt beforehand, but then I thought, what type of a person would I be? How can I do this to anyone? So, I stayed on the phone against my better judgement and I consoled him. I lost a good amount of study time and will suffer because of it, but I stayed; I listened and I comforted. I don't feel any better because of it, if anything I poured salt on a still open wound. We hung up and he was laughing and feeling better and I sat there on my bed and cried for what seemed like hours. Was it the right decision? I don't know. I had to balance between my thoughts and my feelings and decide what was more important and I listened to my heart instead of my mind and hopefully some good will come out of it for me. Now it is back to studying so I can pass this block and keep on moving forward.
I received a call in the middle of the day from C.. I can remember cringing at the sound of his ring tone and praying that it wouldn't be another exhaustive conversation. Purposefully, I kept my voice harsh and coarse so he wouldn't think that my heart was pounding through my chest. To my surprise, he was crying. Rolling my eyes and thinking that I would have to deal with another emotional conversation about our breakup I slumped back in my chair and gave up the thought of doing anymore more work in that hour. What disappointed me the most was that I was happy to hear that he was just as upset as I was about all of the issues we had been dealing with lately. Then I found out that he was not crying about me, but about his dog instead (so much for dreams of him crawling back on his knees).
His dog had just died. This was the puppy that he had since he was about 6 years old so of course he was upset. And it struck me then, that I was the first person he called. He was sad and the only person he wanted to talk to then was me. What on Earth was I supposed to do? By breaking things off so cruelly with me, he lost that privilege to have me by his side. However, I am his only friend and if he doesn't talk to me, he has no one else to talk to.
A voice inside of me kept screaming, "Hang up! This isn't your problem anymore! It was he who decided to end your relationship! Give him a dose of his own medicine. Make him hurt; make him feel what he decided to give up. He should know that it is not OK anymore to call you at his own whims and desires."
I wondered how that would have felt. He would have been hurting and he would have realized what he lost. Here I have the chance to make him hurt now as much as he made me hurt beforehand, but then I thought, what type of a person would I be? How can I do this to anyone? So, I stayed on the phone against my better judgement and I consoled him. I lost a good amount of study time and will suffer because of it, but I stayed; I listened and I comforted. I don't feel any better because of it, if anything I poured salt on a still open wound. We hung up and he was laughing and feeling better and I sat there on my bed and cried for what seemed like hours. Was it the right decision? I don't know. I had to balance between my thoughts and my feelings and decide what was more important and I listened to my heart instead of my mind and hopefully some good will come out of it for me. Now it is back to studying so I can pass this block and keep on moving forward.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
I will not always be sad
This blog is all about relationships and not just mine. While in lecture today, I was listening to a friend of mine talking about trying to be a good girlfriend. She looked so happy when she talked of how she woke up early to make him coffee and see him off for the day. And seeing her glowing like this, just made me happy too.
It is wonderful to know that not everyone feels the way that I do now. Moments like that are so important because they really help keep everything in perspective. I just wanted to state for the record, that I will not always be sad or skeptical on relationships. They are these wonderful forces that make people get out of their beds everyday. I cannot wait till the hurt is over and the pain is gone so I look just as happy as my girlfriend and actually mean it (see first post).
There is still lots more to share and more to grow.
It is wonderful to know that not everyone feels the way that I do now. Moments like that are so important because they really help keep everything in perspective. I just wanted to state for the record, that I will not always be sad or skeptical on relationships. They are these wonderful forces that make people get out of their beds everyday. I cannot wait till the hurt is over and the pain is gone so I look just as happy as my girlfriend and actually mean it (see first post).
There is still lots more to share and more to grow.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Damned if you do, damned if you don't
I was angry. While talking to a good, yet cynical friend of mine about the manner of my breakup, he suggested that C. was cheating on me. As much as he brought on his "D game," I knew that C. wasn't the type to cheat, yet that seed of doubt was still planted in me. So there went thinking about my lecture or paying attention during physical exam. The only thing I could think about was who she was.
Who was this wonderful girl who caught C.'s attentions? Was she prettier than me (not likely), thinner (most definitely), more petite (that is not hard), smarter (maybe)? I kept picking out all of my short-comings and imagining that she was the exact opposite of everything C. found flawed in me. Who is this idyllic creature that captivated him? How inferior can she make me feel? Who is this girl, I wonder, this girl who C. thought was worthy to take my place. Now, I do not mean to brag or boast; I have faults that extend miles into the sky and probably break through our atmosphere, but I am a good girl, a good catch and a good person. I loved C. with all of my heart and poured so much of myself into our relationship. As I think back to all of the sacrifices I made, it seems perplexing that anyone else would be willing to do so much for him.
Loving C. was so difficult at times. He is very shy and quiet. He likes to keep to himself and meets more people that he dislikes than likes. He is obsessed with his computer, and his video games, and his music. And he rarely sees any faults in himself. He never had any close friends. In fact, when I say that I was his only friend, I really mean that I was his only friend, his best friend, his girlfriend, and apparently the person he cared about the most. I think about that and still wonder why would he treat me so poorly?
I feel like a fabulous new toy. You know, the type of toy that you have been dreaming of and begged for when you were younger and you finally got it and you never thought you could be happier. You loved this toy and you played with it constantly and one day, for not apparent reason, you decided that I (this toy) just wasn't so great anymore. So it gets tossed under the bed, to collect dust just waiting to be played with.
So naturally, after dealing with all of these emotions, I confront him. He denies that there is anyone else, and I believe him. He says that he is sorry, and I believe him. He says that he still cares for me, and not a single ounce of my being can believe him. I, personally, cannot treat anyone who I have an iota of feelings for with such disrespect, especially not C.. He claims that he wanted a relationship with me and he thought that it could work, until I came to spend time with him at the end of December. I believe his exact words were, "I had such a wonderful time with you then, that after you left I got really lonely and realized that a weekend here and there just wasn't enough." Funny how things like that go, because he refused to visit me in Pittsburgh and he refused to take time off of work to do so and he refused to consider applying for graduate schools out here and he refused to consider looking for a job here. So, if he "loves me so much" and "want(s) to have a future with (me)" and "really wish(es) there was some other way," why didn't he even consider it? Not even a fleeting thought.
For the past three years, I have not asked him for a shred of commitment. I tried to apply to medical schools in his area and wasn't accepted into any. He didn't even try to apply anywhere near me. I tried to visit him as often as I could and he didn't. I wrung every bit of "trying" out of me until my hands bled. Why did I do this? Because I still wanted to make up to him, for the mistakes I have made in the past.
He blamed me for many things in his life that didn't turn out the way he wanted and since he is no monster he realized how absurd this thinking was and spent months begging for my forgiveness, which, of course and like a fool, I gladly gave. However, those words stuck with me. How could I ask this man for any level of commitment? If things didn't work out exactly as planned, was he going to blame me again for unfortunate turns in his life. Let's say he came to Pittsburgh to be with me, but he wasn't thrilled with graduate school over here. Was this going to be brought up in every argument until the day I died?
I can see it now: "I don't have the time to spend with you because I have to work too hard! Besides, you shouldn't be asking me for time! You asked me to come be with you and I did and because of you I went to a school that I hated! So you just need to pipe down!" I wasn't willing to risk that and because of that he has left me, apparently still loving me, but since the long distance is way too hard now there is absolutely no chance of it every changing, case closed, no arguments, I am done and there is nothing you can do to change it. Haha, well, I guess no matter what I did, I couldn't have changed this outcome. It is just like the saying: damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Who was this wonderful girl who caught C.'s attentions? Was she prettier than me (not likely), thinner (most definitely), more petite (that is not hard), smarter (maybe)? I kept picking out all of my short-comings and imagining that she was the exact opposite of everything C. found flawed in me. Who is this idyllic creature that captivated him? How inferior can she make me feel? Who is this girl, I wonder, this girl who C. thought was worthy to take my place. Now, I do not mean to brag or boast; I have faults that extend miles into the sky and probably break through our atmosphere, but I am a good girl, a good catch and a good person. I loved C. with all of my heart and poured so much of myself into our relationship. As I think back to all of the sacrifices I made, it seems perplexing that anyone else would be willing to do so much for him.
Loving C. was so difficult at times. He is very shy and quiet. He likes to keep to himself and meets more people that he dislikes than likes. He is obsessed with his computer, and his video games, and his music. And he rarely sees any faults in himself. He never had any close friends. In fact, when I say that I was his only friend, I really mean that I was his only friend, his best friend, his girlfriend, and apparently the person he cared about the most. I think about that and still wonder why would he treat me so poorly?
I feel like a fabulous new toy. You know, the type of toy that you have been dreaming of and begged for when you were younger and you finally got it and you never thought you could be happier. You loved this toy and you played with it constantly and one day, for not apparent reason, you decided that I (this toy) just wasn't so great anymore. So it gets tossed under the bed, to collect dust just waiting to be played with.
So naturally, after dealing with all of these emotions, I confront him. He denies that there is anyone else, and I believe him. He says that he is sorry, and I believe him. He says that he still cares for me, and not a single ounce of my being can believe him. I, personally, cannot treat anyone who I have an iota of feelings for with such disrespect, especially not C.. He claims that he wanted a relationship with me and he thought that it could work, until I came to spend time with him at the end of December. I believe his exact words were, "I had such a wonderful time with you then, that after you left I got really lonely and realized that a weekend here and there just wasn't enough." Funny how things like that go, because he refused to visit me in Pittsburgh and he refused to take time off of work to do so and he refused to consider applying for graduate schools out here and he refused to consider looking for a job here. So, if he "loves me so much" and "want(s) to have a future with (me)" and "really wish(es) there was some other way," why didn't he even consider it? Not even a fleeting thought.
For the past three years, I have not asked him for a shred of commitment. I tried to apply to medical schools in his area and wasn't accepted into any. He didn't even try to apply anywhere near me. I tried to visit him as often as I could and he didn't. I wrung every bit of "trying" out of me until my hands bled. Why did I do this? Because I still wanted to make up to him, for the mistakes I have made in the past.
He blamed me for many things in his life that didn't turn out the way he wanted and since he is no monster he realized how absurd this thinking was and spent months begging for my forgiveness, which, of course and like a fool, I gladly gave. However, those words stuck with me. How could I ask this man for any level of commitment? If things didn't work out exactly as planned, was he going to blame me again for unfortunate turns in his life. Let's say he came to Pittsburgh to be with me, but he wasn't thrilled with graduate school over here. Was this going to be brought up in every argument until the day I died?
I can see it now: "I don't have the time to spend with you because I have to work too hard! Besides, you shouldn't be asking me for time! You asked me to come be with you and I did and because of you I went to a school that I hated! So you just need to pipe down!" I wasn't willing to risk that and because of that he has left me, apparently still loving me, but since the long distance is way too hard now there is absolutely no chance of it every changing, case closed, no arguments, I am done and there is nothing you can do to change it. Haha, well, I guess no matter what I did, I couldn't have changed this outcome. It is just like the saying: damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Breakdown
It is amazing; the first day that I am ready and open to tell my peers about my new state of "singleness" I get asked out on two dates. I am beginning to wonder what was the mindset of these two people. Maybe it is my fault because I am too good of an actress. For years, I have been smiling through the rough periods and I have given the illusion of a happy personal life. Since I have had all of this practice, it has made it rather easy to keep my composure when out in public. If you were to see me on the street, you would swear that I didn't have a care in the world. It is only when I am alone in my apartment, and here typing away at this keyboard when I breakdown.
To be in a relationship means to be deceptive. Let's face it, we have all had to face our own demons because no relationship is perfect. But I wonder, why do we lie to each other? Why did I sit there and pretend to be fine all of the many times that I am not? I am a very personal person but I can be very open to. Yet, it is quite baffling to me that sometimes, especially when I am hurting, I cannot be open with the people that are the dearest to me, but I can be completely open to an acquaintance, to a friend, to a stranger. What is it about our society where we are afraid to show others how we are truly feeling, especially when it matters the most?
To be in a relationship means to be deceptive. Let's face it, we have all had to face our own demons because no relationship is perfect. But I wonder, why do we lie to each other? Why did I sit there and pretend to be fine all of the many times that I am not? I am a very personal person but I can be very open to. Yet, it is quite baffling to me that sometimes, especially when I am hurting, I cannot be open with the people that are the dearest to me, but I can be completely open to an acquaintance, to a friend, to a stranger. What is it about our society where we are afraid to show others how we are truly feeling, especially when it matters the most?
Monday, January 22, 2007
Long Distance
I guess it is true that long distance is a relationship killer. But silly me, I thought that we were beyond that. I guess my reasons for thinking so were because our entire relationship was long distance. Yup, from the very start. I met C. at the airport. I can still see his red backpack slung over his shoulder and blue pillow in hand; he looked so confident and so mature. I leaned over to my girlfriend and said something which probably was one of the reasons I hung onto to him for so long after we started having problems. "Do you see that guy over there? I am going to marry him." Looking back some silly spur of the moment feeling is not a reason to be under-appreciated for 3 years.
Though it all seemed to fit in together so nicely. It turns out that he was on my same flight; we were supposed to sit next to each other but I changed my ticket last minute to sit next to my girlfriend. We were at the same orientation week. I wrote down my screen name on his hand. He never IMed me because he apparently washed his hands before he had a chance to write it down. We even had a mutual friend who later gave me his screen name. And I IMed him; I made that first move, again, and we were inseparable since then. I put so much work into this guy. More than I had for anyone else I was ever interested in. Why? He was, and till this day remains the only guy I ever wanted to kiss.
So, we talked online for months. When he finally told me that he liked me, I remember bringing up how awful it was that we were far away. C. assured me that it made no difference to him. He told me that I was worth it and that he had never felt that way before. I guess I assumed that he still felt that way.
He lived two hours away from me when we were at home and we got to see each other twice that summer. The first time, I of course, went to visit him, the next was his turn. We then went away to college and were then three hours away from each other. Not having a car, made the chances to me visiting him, slim to none; so, he came down to see me almost every weekend. It was our happiest time together.
After 5 years, I have gotten used to this distance. So, silly me, I figured that since I was now in Pittsburgh and C. was in Atlanta that a plane trip every now and then would be about right. It would be enough where we could both see each other about 6 times a year (which was about right) and we would just take it from there. It was actually pretty convenient in medical school. I had time to study and hang out with friends and at the end of the day, there was someone special to talk to. I got to go to sleep every night to the voice of the man I loved and I never felt guilty about going out with friends or trying to include and introduce someone into my group of friends. Perfection, plain and simple.
However, C. did not feel the way I felt. I believe the exact words were, "Every time I go out and meet people, or see something, or try something new, I always wish that you were there. And that is just too hard for me." So apparently, if I have analyzed this correctly, he wanted to break up with me, because he always wanted to be with me? Right? I can't help but be a bit cynical and think that he was feeding me a lie. Maybe in time I will be able to figure out the real reason why things didn't work out. But if he wants to blame it on the distance now, sure, I will go for it.
Now don't get me wrong, the long distance was tough. I can't even count the number of times I missed him so much that it actually, physically hurt. Hmm, I wonder where I can find that condition on PubMed. I wasn't happy with the situation, but C. was worth it. He was worth hanging onto because I saw a wonderful future with him. We had just seen each other and had the most wonderful time celebrating the New Year together. That was enough to last me for awhile. Unfortunately, I was the only one that felt that way.
The worst thing about this entire situation is that I feel that I am not worth the effort. I wonder, what is so wrong with me that you wouldn't want to continue this relationship with me? What is my big flaw? Where do I need to improve my personality so someone actually wants to be with me, so somebody wants to make the effort with me, so somebody just wants... me?
Even as I read over these pages and think back to formal events, I feel so dumb. And I have never thought of myself as "dumb." I am a smart woman and I believe I took a very logical and reasonable approach to this relationship. Yet, I wonder how a person could feel a certain way about someone and he does not return your feelings. Reflecting on how I am feeling, I wonder how it is that I feel so unwanted and so unloved when even I know there are many wonderful and good things about me. I guess it is a prime example of how much a woman can change because of her love for a man.
Though it all seemed to fit in together so nicely. It turns out that he was on my same flight; we were supposed to sit next to each other but I changed my ticket last minute to sit next to my girlfriend. We were at the same orientation week. I wrote down my screen name on his hand. He never IMed me because he apparently washed his hands before he had a chance to write it down. We even had a mutual friend who later gave me his screen name. And I IMed him; I made that first move, again, and we were inseparable since then. I put so much work into this guy. More than I had for anyone else I was ever interested in. Why? He was, and till this day remains the only guy I ever wanted to kiss.
So, we talked online for months. When he finally told me that he liked me, I remember bringing up how awful it was that we were far away. C. assured me that it made no difference to him. He told me that I was worth it and that he had never felt that way before. I guess I assumed that he still felt that way.
He lived two hours away from me when we were at home and we got to see each other twice that summer. The first time, I of course, went to visit him, the next was his turn. We then went away to college and were then three hours away from each other. Not having a car, made the chances to me visiting him, slim to none; so, he came down to see me almost every weekend. It was our happiest time together.
After 5 years, I have gotten used to this distance. So, silly me, I figured that since I was now in Pittsburgh and C. was in Atlanta that a plane trip every now and then would be about right. It would be enough where we could both see each other about 6 times a year (which was about right) and we would just take it from there. It was actually pretty convenient in medical school. I had time to study and hang out with friends and at the end of the day, there was someone special to talk to. I got to go to sleep every night to the voice of the man I loved and I never felt guilty about going out with friends or trying to include and introduce someone into my group of friends. Perfection, plain and simple.
However, C. did not feel the way I felt. I believe the exact words were, "Every time I go out and meet people, or see something, or try something new, I always wish that you were there. And that is just too hard for me." So apparently, if I have analyzed this correctly, he wanted to break up with me, because he always wanted to be with me? Right? I can't help but be a bit cynical and think that he was feeding me a lie. Maybe in time I will be able to figure out the real reason why things didn't work out. But if he wants to blame it on the distance now, sure, I will go for it.
Now don't get me wrong, the long distance was tough. I can't even count the number of times I missed him so much that it actually, physically hurt. Hmm, I wonder where I can find that condition on PubMed. I wasn't happy with the situation, but C. was worth it. He was worth hanging onto because I saw a wonderful future with him. We had just seen each other and had the most wonderful time celebrating the New Year together. That was enough to last me for awhile. Unfortunately, I was the only one that felt that way.
The worst thing about this entire situation is that I feel that I am not worth the effort. I wonder, what is so wrong with me that you wouldn't want to continue this relationship with me? What is my big flaw? Where do I need to improve my personality so someone actually wants to be with me, so somebody wants to make the effort with me, so somebody just wants... me?
Even as I read over these pages and think back to formal events, I feel so dumb. And I have never thought of myself as "dumb." I am a smart woman and I believe I took a very logical and reasonable approach to this relationship. Yet, I wonder how a person could feel a certain way about someone and he does not return your feelings. Reflecting on how I am feeling, I wonder how it is that I feel so unwanted and so unloved when even I know there are many wonderful and good things about me. I guess it is a prime example of how much a woman can change because of her love for a man.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Introduction
I was sitting in lecture hall the other waiting for my professor to begin another hour of immunoglobulins and major histocompatibitly complexes when my very good girlfriend leans over and asks me how things are going with C.
"Ok," I think, "I can do this." I place on the dowey eyes and the large smile and lie through my teeth when I say, "Everything is wonderful. He has been so sweet to me lately." Unfortunately, everything isn't so wonderful and I am aware of it too. This seems to placate my friend and I promptly turn back to the lecture and quickly push my lies out of my mind and focus on trying to stay awake.
Like every other woman out there who knows when a breakup is coming around the corner, I knew it too. It is like a rolling thunder that you can hear from a distance. It starts out small and you ignore it, but as the thunder gets louder and closer you are know it is coming straight for you. It is going to rattle your bones as well as reverberate off all the walls of your home. Then, you sit and wait and prepare for it to come, but no matter how much waiting and preparing you do, it still shocks you. The sheer strength and sound makes your heart beat just a little faster. And even though you have experienced it before, you are never quite ready for it.
This is technically the second time C. and I have split. The first was two years ago where the arguing was too much to take and the good times were few and far between. No big, it happens. Once we broke up it was like a giant cloud had been lifted off of our shoulders. We were happy. I was happy and over the course of time we weren't talking as much, we weren't really anything and I was ready to move on.
I loved being single. My girlfriends at the time were absolutely amazing. I had all the support and love I could ever need and when I was least expecting it J. comes into the picture. If I could pick anyone more opposite from C. it was definitely J. He gave me absolutely everything that I couldn't get from C. and he absolutely adored me. I mean, here was this wonderful man who listened to what I had to say. He thought I was interesting and funny and he took care of me when I was sick. I cannot begin to tell you how special it made me feel to have someone around who actually wanted to be with me. It was at the time that I realized everything I loved about J. was exactly everything I wanted from C. and all I could think about was how much I wished C. was like J., so, I ended it with J. because he deserved much more than I could have been able to give him and it wasn't fair. Last I heard, J. was dating a very nice girl and being successful. I am so happy for him.
Shortly after, when C realized (through very mischievous means) that I had dated someone else, he all of a sudden turned back into the person I had fallen in love with 4 years earlier. I kept telling myself, "This is different," and, "He doesn't just want what he can't have; he honestly wants to work things out with me again." So, C. and I were a couple again and things were pretty good, not great, but good for the next year. Now don't get me wrong, I was happy. We loved talking to each other and being each other's best friend. We graduated and started work for him and medical school for me. We were both happy with our professional lives and with each other, but it wasn't enough for him.
Yesterday, during a late night conversation he brings out the dreaded 4 words. Now, not your typical, "we need to talk," no, the four words I absolutely hated to hear from him are, "What exactly are we?" The moment I heard them, I knew it was over and now I am here exposing myself in the most personal of ways because the person who I normally talk to is currently socializing at a singles night, not one day after we broke up.
Now I am not bitter, or angry or even that upset. I am confused and sad and I will spend my time on this blog trying to figure out how things got this way. I want to analyze what I did to contribute to this blow, what I shouldn't do in the future and understand why C. felt the way that he did. So, as I spent countless hours in the anatomy lab dissecting away and trying to figure out how the human body works, I am going to dissect away this breakup and figure out exactly how this all works and how to come through it at the end with flying colors.
"Ok," I think, "I can do this." I place on the dowey eyes and the large smile and lie through my teeth when I say, "Everything is wonderful. He has been so sweet to me lately." Unfortunately, everything isn't so wonderful and I am aware of it too. This seems to placate my friend and I promptly turn back to the lecture and quickly push my lies out of my mind and focus on trying to stay awake.
Like every other woman out there who knows when a breakup is coming around the corner, I knew it too. It is like a rolling thunder that you can hear from a distance. It starts out small and you ignore it, but as the thunder gets louder and closer you are know it is coming straight for you. It is going to rattle your bones as well as reverberate off all the walls of your home. Then, you sit and wait and prepare for it to come, but no matter how much waiting and preparing you do, it still shocks you. The sheer strength and sound makes your heart beat just a little faster. And even though you have experienced it before, you are never quite ready for it.
This is technically the second time C. and I have split. The first was two years ago where the arguing was too much to take and the good times were few and far between. No big, it happens. Once we broke up it was like a giant cloud had been lifted off of our shoulders. We were happy. I was happy and over the course of time we weren't talking as much, we weren't really anything and I was ready to move on.
I loved being single. My girlfriends at the time were absolutely amazing. I had all the support and love I could ever need and when I was least expecting it J. comes into the picture. If I could pick anyone more opposite from C. it was definitely J. He gave me absolutely everything that I couldn't get from C. and he absolutely adored me. I mean, here was this wonderful man who listened to what I had to say. He thought I was interesting and funny and he took care of me when I was sick. I cannot begin to tell you how special it made me feel to have someone around who actually wanted to be with me. It was at the time that I realized everything I loved about J. was exactly everything I wanted from C. and all I could think about was how much I wished C. was like J., so, I ended it with J. because he deserved much more than I could have been able to give him and it wasn't fair. Last I heard, J. was dating a very nice girl and being successful. I am so happy for him.
Shortly after, when C realized (through very mischievous means) that I had dated someone else, he all of a sudden turned back into the person I had fallen in love with 4 years earlier. I kept telling myself, "This is different," and, "He doesn't just want what he can't have; he honestly wants to work things out with me again." So, C. and I were a couple again and things were pretty good, not great, but good for the next year. Now don't get me wrong, I was happy. We loved talking to each other and being each other's best friend. We graduated and started work for him and medical school for me. We were both happy with our professional lives and with each other, but it wasn't enough for him.
Yesterday, during a late night conversation he brings out the dreaded 4 words. Now, not your typical, "we need to talk," no, the four words I absolutely hated to hear from him are, "What exactly are we?" The moment I heard them, I knew it was over and now I am here exposing myself in the most personal of ways because the person who I normally talk to is currently socializing at a singles night, not one day after we broke up.
Now I am not bitter, or angry or even that upset. I am confused and sad and I will spend my time on this blog trying to figure out how things got this way. I want to analyze what I did to contribute to this blow, what I shouldn't do in the future and understand why C. felt the way that he did. So, as I spent countless hours in the anatomy lab dissecting away and trying to figure out how the human body works, I am going to dissect away this breakup and figure out exactly how this all works and how to come through it at the end with flying colors.
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