Before I begin, I must prelude this entry with a quick foray into my past couple of months. I guess I must start by saying there is an obvious pattern in my life: Odd number years are terrible and even number years are wonderful. I don't know why this is, but it has been the pattern throughout my life. Every awful breakup I have had has been in an odd number year, I learned of my father's illness during an odd number year, I have almost failed out of medical school in an odd number year, I was diagnosed with MDD in an odd number year and a whole slew of awful events have taken place in odd number years. Even number years are good, I fell in love during an even number year, bought my first puppy an even number year, graduated an even number year, got accepted into medical school an even number year, I remember the first time I felt truly happy was during an even number year. At this point, even I cannot dismiss this evidence as sheer coincidence. So here we are during an even number year and the start of this blog is proof enough that this hasn't been the best of years.
I remember the moment the year began. It was the first time I had never celebrated New Years Eve. I was in the car with C (who has never enjoyed ringing in the New Year) coming back to his house from a terrible movie. We were driving down this unlit road and I kept staring at the clock until it turned to 12:00. I waited about 30 seconds and when it was clear that C absolutely did not care it was the new year, I wish him a happy one and with nothing more than a wave of his hand he wished me the same. No kiss, no thrill, not even a smile. I should have seen this as a sign, but I didn't. I was just happy that I was sitting next to the man I loved and happy that I could bring in this holiday with him, no matter how pathetic it was. I looked up and I could see the stars through the window and I remember just exhaling and leaning back into my seat. I was actually content and happy that I was going home to spend my night and year with him. At the very same moment, C was realizing how happy he was having me there too, but instead of relishing the moment and trying to enjoy it while he could, a seed was planted in his mind. He was miserable without me there and upset that he couldn't have me at his side every night; so the only logical thing to do (in his mind) was break up with me and try to find someone in his area. He still has not found said person and remains single.
He is partly single because of my own doing. It seems like the moment he broke up with me, he realized what he was losing and wasn't ready to give it up. C decided that he was going to come up to Pittsburgh and visit me. And like a fool, I let him and that is all my fault. To make a long story short (or even as a set up for a future blog) he came here and we had a wonderful time together. I am almost shamed to admit it. I set myself up for weeks, telling myself that I would be completely platonic with him. He would come here and I wouldn't give myself so freely and he would see what he was missing and realize that it is only worth it for him to want to be by my side. I felt such confusion when I caved. More than anything I wanted to be strong and not fall victim to his touch and I couldn't do that. I was so happy that we were together again and happy with each other and at the same time, I was so sad that I was not strong enough to "stick to my guns." The week went by and I felt confused and used yet terribly in love again. I wish I had still kept up with my blog at the time, so I could have gone back to these entries and remember how much I hurt I felt and how much I have overcome since my first teary entry. I just wish I had more strength.
So here I am, several months after his visit and I am still confused. I love C. I love him for all of the memories he gave, for the convictions we share, for his hopes and dreams and even for the confused soul that lives within him. Yet, I don't think I am in love with him anymore. As each day passes, I find myself growing more irritable with him and I feel my frustration increasing. I am not sure if it is a side effect of the depression or not but I know that a part of him that used to love him is gone and will never come back. Too much has happened to me to ever go back to the young girl that once fell head over heels for anyone. It is a sad part of growing up to understand that you have lost your innocence and be at peace with it. I might love C again one day and a part of me hopes that will happen. Not to fear though, an even greater part of me hopes that I will overcome this hold that C has on me and soon I will be able to develop into a wonderful person who is open to new people and experiences in her life. Mostly, I just can't wait for another even year.
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4 comments:
Wondering why I had always felt this way, I Googled "hate odd-numbered years" and found your blog, Kiki. By amazing coincidence, I grew up in da Burgh.
I can't help in your anguish over C, but at least we can both cheer up now that it's 2008, right?
Kiki,
You never know, I suppose, what sharing your world will do for someone else. I googled, "do i have the strength to break up" and got this post. I have been dating a wonderful woman, my first in two years since a difficult divorce. After a few months I have thought I was falling in love, but I'm not. She just told me this weekend that she is falling in love with me and here I am planning to leave. I feel sick and I am so afraid of all that I will miss about her. There is part of me that really wants to know I have the strength to walk away. I dread the next 48 hours as I wait to speak with her. Thanks for the reminder that things really do change with time. They changed after my divorce as well so I am surprised I still have so much doubt that I can find someone more in line with my dreams. Thanks for sharing your pain and showing me I am not alone.
hi, i'm april. i googled "do i have the strength to break up" and found your post. i really wana leave A, but it's so tough. We have been in a serious relationship for 4 yrs. Even talking bout getting married in near future. But suddenly everything changed. His feeling for me has changed. He admitted that he enjoys spending time alone than with me. I used to be his princess or precious one. Last night, I asked him over the phone, whether he still wants me, he said he was not sure. It really hurts! I try my best to save the relationship, but i understand that it needs 2 person to make it works. I pray that god will give me strength to do it.I know in the coming months or years, i'll be in deep depression. But i think i deserve a guy who really wants me and love me. I deserve to be happy again.Right now, i just need the strength to do it!
April,
I am sorry that your situation sounds so terribly familiar to my own. Fortunately, people change and unfortunately you cannot change the one you love. When you find the person you do love, you love them for exactly who they are. You can't change them and you don't want to because you love their faults.
For everyone who wonders if they have the strength to breakup, you do. You learn that you can breathe again. The pain never kills you and you wonder how on Earth it did not. The depression will wear away, the colors come back to life and one day, without realizing it you have spent an entire day without even a passing thought of them. You always have the strength to leave the person you are unhappy with. You may fear leaving someone and in that case you can ALWAYS turn to the authorities for help. But you will be surprised at how you will always have yourself to support you. You are never alone and never without hope or help.
I have loved, lost and hurt just like every other person out there. I am not special in any way, yet, I made it through and I am better, wiser and happier because of it. I would gladly go through one million horrible and heart-wrenching break-ups to be where I am today. Good luck and I wish you all the strength in the world.
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