Wanting

Why is it that some people want what they cannot have? This is definitely a habitual pattern with C. Every time I start to get comfortable with him again and start opening myself up to him and becoming available to him, he treats me with such apathy that the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. For the past couple of months, C has still been calling me often enough and I sadly do admit that I have been returning his calls and he continues to use me as his crutch so to speak. He calls me on his way to work, during lunch, on his way back from work, during breaks, when he has a free moment at home and before he goes to bed. Now, I have had plenty of male friends but even I suspect in my limited experience that this is not normal. While he is not romantic with me, nor does he treat me like a girlfriend, it is almost as if he expects me to be there as often as one. I accepted this situation for awhile, until I finally grew tired of it.

I think I let myself be used by C in a way, because I needed to be needed and I didn't want to let go. You have that frightening experience after a breakup that you are going to be alone for the rest of your life. You cannot imagine going through anything like that again so you have to go through that hurt. You can't imagine falling fool to your emotions and letting yourself go with such disregard for caution and for your heart. It is because of feeling like this and much more that I held onto C. I had this feeling deep down inside that one day, if I just kept that flame still alive that he would one day come to his senses and we would be together. Was that a silly thought? I am still not sure.

It wasn't until he went away to his mission trip that I had another revolutionary week. I first realized that I can go a week without him and be fine. Yes, I will miss him, but I will not be shattered. Life will go on and I will be fine. The second thing that I realized is that I am not completely undesirable to men since I got asked out by several great guys and went out of several wonderful dates with the even more wonderful J. The third thing I realized is that C has absolutely no desire to share his life with me. When he returned from his trip I practically had to beg for him to tell me about how it went. Getting any little detail out of him was like pulling teeth. To top that, he didn't once ask about my week when he was gone and he will never know because he lost that right. Yes, once he came back I finally received my slap in the face. I realized that I was never going to grow and mature in love or life if I stayed with someone who merely "cared" about me. I wasn't being fair to myself, my heart or my soul.

So, shortly after C got back from his trip I decided to start screening his calls, start talking to him less and I must admit I was colder towards him. I didn't think that he would notice too much, but oddly enough he did and it unfortunately added a slight wrench into my new found liberation. During a conversation we were having I finally got very frustrated at him for something very silly and abruptly ended our chat. Several hours later, I received an email in my inbox from C asking why I was so distant lately and asking why he was having to make all of the phone calls lately and I realized that he was truly confused as to why there was any problem.

So, for the first time in the five and a half years that I have known him, I laid out all of my feelings before him. I very clearly told him how frustrated I was with him for not taking any interest in my life and for not caring. I told him that I was avoiding his calls and that I was avoiding him. I told him that I wanted to talk to him less because as he had very clearly stated back in January, we were no longer together. I told him that I felt our relationship just wasn't worth it anymore to me and knowing my luck, I have no idea how the rest of our conversation went.

I had taken a sleeping pill an hour before he had called and to be honest, I barely remember much of the conversation. This is probably part of the reason why I was so open with him. I wish I knew how he responded to me and how I responded to him because I feel like I am completely in the dark. And now, he is calling more and asking about my day before I can get a word in and sounds truly happy to talk to me. What is funny is that I would have given anything to have this a couple months ago and now, I don't think I want it anymore...