Introduction

I was sitting in lecture hall the other waiting for my professor to begin another hour of immunoglobulins and major histocompatibitly complexes when my very good girlfriend leans over and asks me how things are going with C.

"Ok," I think, "I can do this." I place on the dowey eyes and the large smile and lie through my teeth when I say, "Everything is wonderful. He has been so sweet to me lately." Unfortunately, everything isn't so wonderful and I am aware of it too. This seems to placate my friend and I promptly turn back to the lecture and quickly push my lies out of my mind and focus on trying to stay awake.

Like every other woman out there who knows when a breakup is coming around the corner, I knew it too. It is like a rolling thunder that you can hear from a distance. It starts out small and you ignore it, but as the thunder gets louder and closer you are know it is coming straight for you. It is going to rattle your bones as well as reverberate off all the walls of your home. Then, you sit and wait and prepare for it to come, but no matter how much waiting and preparing you do, it still shocks you. The sheer strength and sound makes your heart beat just a little faster. And even though you have experienced it before, you are never quite ready for it.

This is technically the second time C. and I have split. The first was two years ago where the arguing was too much to take and the good times were few and far between. No big, it happens. Once we broke up it was like a giant cloud had been lifted off of our shoulders. We were happy. I was happy and over the course of time we weren't talking as much, we weren't really anything and I was ready to move on.

I loved being single. My girlfriends at the time were absolutely amazing. I had all the support and love I could ever need and when I was least expecting it J. comes into the picture. If I could pick anyone more opposite from C. it was definitely J. He gave me absolutely everything that I couldn't get from C. and he absolutely adored me. I mean, here was this wonderful man who listened to what I had to say. He thought I was interesting and funny and he took care of me when I was sick. I cannot begin to tell you how special it made me feel to have someone around who actually wanted to be with me. It was at the time that I realized everything I loved about J. was exactly everything I wanted from C. and all I could think about was how much I wished C. was like J., so, I ended it with J. because he deserved much more than I could have been able to give him and it wasn't fair. Last I heard, J. was dating a very nice girl and being successful. I am so happy for him.

Shortly after, when C realized (through very mischievous means) that I had dated someone else, he all of a sudden turned back into the person I had fallen in love with 4 years earlier. I kept telling myself, "This is different," and, "He doesn't just want what he can't have; he honestly wants to work things out with me again." So, C. and I were a couple again and things were pretty good, not great, but good for the next year. Now don't get me wrong, I was happy. We loved talking to each other and being each other's best friend. We graduated and started work for him and medical school for me. We were both happy with our professional lives and with each other, but it wasn't enough for him.

Yesterday, during a late night conversation he brings out the dreaded 4 words. Now, not your typical, "we need to talk," no, the four words I absolutely hated to hear from him are, "What exactly are we?" The moment I heard them, I knew it was over and now I am here exposing myself in the most personal of ways because the person who I normally talk to is currently socializing at a singles night, not one day after we broke up.

Now I am not bitter, or angry or even that upset. I am confused and sad and I will spend my time on this blog trying to figure out how things got this way. I want to analyze what I did to contribute to this blow, what I shouldn't do in the future and understand why C. felt the way that he did. So, as I spent countless hours in the anatomy lab dissecting away and trying to figure out how the human body works, I am going to dissect away this breakup and figure out exactly how this all works and how to come through it at the end with flying colors.