Dating is Really Hard

I suddenly find myself being desired by men. This is a strange and rare phenomenon that I have referred to time and time again as “feast or famine.” You either have absolutely nobody who is desiring you at the current moment or you have several people who seem so see nobody but you in their entire world. In previous posts, I mentioned to my amazement and I have to admit slight delight how I had been asked about by not one but two men in the span of several minutes. Well, in the past week, the tally of two has turned into a tally of eight. I can’t quite explain this but I have come to the conclusion that it is the sheer fact that I have changed my soap in the past two weeks.

I could regale you with the stories of how these wonderful gave me their attention and how they showed their affection. I could tell you how I was truly flattered by some of them, disgusted by others and completely shocked and thrown back by others, but that is not what this post is about. This post is about my first plunge, my first dive into the dating world and I must say, “Wow, look how far deep you can dive.”

I have mentioned J in a former posting; he is the man who asked me out on a “maybe date” on the street corner outside my therapist’s office. The following week he kept texting me, or emailing me about getting together and I still wasn’t sure if it was a date or not. He finally set a date for us to meet on Tuesday and I still was not sure. His email to me was something along the lines of, “Come to my house at 6.” I had no idea if it was a friendly occasion, if we were meeting other people there, if it was just going to be the two of us, or if he had any feelings for me at all. So there I am, fretting on Tuesday because I have no idea how to dress for a “maybe date.” I have no idea how to date. I hadn’t really been on a proper first date in a really long time. So, once I had my outfit picked out, I drove over to his house, completely calm and collected. It was when I first saw his face with a twitch of nervousness in his fabulous smile, that I was certain it was date.

I believe that it is pretty needless to say that they date went very well. J was a perfect gentleman and completely kind and incredibly interested in me and what I had to say. In fact, since Tuesday, we have seen each other each day after that until today when I am on my home to visit my parents for several days. He—and I—we wanted to make the most of our time before I left for ten days because we both really enjoy spending time with each other but I keep thinking that there are several cons to this situation which make me wonder if I should even bother with keeping it up when I get back to Pittsburgh.

The first, of course, is that J is geographically undesirable. This is probably a big reason why I am so attracted to him. At the end of August, he is moving away to Arizona. This is good and bad. Good in some ways because I don’t think I am necessarily looking for anything too serious right now and also because it is the summer time and I actually have time to dedicate this summer to maintaining a relationship or at least starting a new one. Bad because, if it turns out that I really like him, then he is going to move away and I don’t want to deal with the pain of long distance again and all of the issues that revolve around it and I am also so tired of having that talk. It is also considered a bad thing because this further proves my theory that I am, for some reason, drawn towards men that live far away from me.

The second problem and the one that keeps me thinking about him is his attentiveness towards me. He is almost too romantic with me. On our first date, he was reaching across the table and holding my hands; he was looking deeply into my eyes and telling me that I was so beautiful and that he was so happy that he was with me. He kept giggling every now and then and asking me if it was real, if we were really together and if we were really on a date. He kept whispering sweet nothings in my ear and at one point was looking into my eyes and said that he felt a moment, a moment that was greater than himself, that was big and momentous, a moment he couldn’t explain. And all of this was just on the first date! I hope you can imagine how the others went. This was all incredibly romantic and I wanted to be swept away in all of the excitement, but I had to keep reminding myself that he was leaving and then I started to get a little skeptical.

Maybe it is the fact that my heart is still broken and I am still afraid to share it with anyone, but I keep thinking that J is leaving at the end of the summer and I am just some twisted social experiment of his. Maybe he feels that he can go all out this time because he is going to be gone soon so he should see how long it takes to woo someone using this style verses his old technique. What if he isn’t being completely honest with me and is just trying to distract me from something. I just can’t explain my paranoia but I keep thinking that there is no way he should be so intense so early. He is acting as if he is in love with me and he is barely starting to get to know me. So I just don’t understand; shouldn’t there be some other motive? Do guys just act like this right away once they are adults if they are sincere? Am I wrong in being paranoid or should I believe that he is genuine? I just have no idea what to do.

Dating is really hard.