Finally Over?

When I once heard C utter his favorite nickname for me, or tell me that he loved me or missed me, I would sigh with love and hope; today when he does the same, I find myself filled with pity and compassion. I hear in his voice how much he wants a second chance with me and that familiar pattern he gets into when he wants me back into his life. I can feel it; he is afraid. He is afraid of losing me and our friendship. I am afraid of losing it too.

This isn't the first time that this has happened with C and me. It just so happens that every now and then (about every 7 months or so), I will speak up for myself and tell C that I will not stand for apathy anymore and I will get upset and let him know. After this he will make a great turn around for several months where he shows a high level of attentiveness and respect towards me before things return back to normal. During this high period, I feel wonderful and great and I am so happy because I think that maybe this time is the time that things are going to change. On top of that, I also think that I couldn't be happier.

What I find odd right now is that C is repeating his pattern and I am not. What does this mean? He calls me and I don't feel elated or hopeful. I don't feel much of anything. I keep wondering what this means? I think I have finally realized that there is no future for us. I think... I am finally getting over him.

Wanting

Why is it that some people want what they cannot have? This is definitely a habitual pattern with C. Every time I start to get comfortable with him again and start opening myself up to him and becoming available to him, he treats me with such apathy that the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. For the past couple of months, C has still been calling me often enough and I sadly do admit that I have been returning his calls and he continues to use me as his crutch so to speak. He calls me on his way to work, during lunch, on his way back from work, during breaks, when he has a free moment at home and before he goes to bed. Now, I have had plenty of male friends but even I suspect in my limited experience that this is not normal. While he is not romantic with me, nor does he treat me like a girlfriend, it is almost as if he expects me to be there as often as one. I accepted this situation for awhile, until I finally grew tired of it.

I think I let myself be used by C in a way, because I needed to be needed and I didn't want to let go. You have that frightening experience after a breakup that you are going to be alone for the rest of your life. You cannot imagine going through anything like that again so you have to go through that hurt. You can't imagine falling fool to your emotions and letting yourself go with such disregard for caution and for your heart. It is because of feeling like this and much more that I held onto C. I had this feeling deep down inside that one day, if I just kept that flame still alive that he would one day come to his senses and we would be together. Was that a silly thought? I am still not sure.

It wasn't until he went away to his mission trip that I had another revolutionary week. I first realized that I can go a week without him and be fine. Yes, I will miss him, but I will not be shattered. Life will go on and I will be fine. The second thing that I realized is that I am not completely undesirable to men since I got asked out by several great guys and went out of several wonderful dates with the even more wonderful J. The third thing I realized is that C has absolutely no desire to share his life with me. When he returned from his trip I practically had to beg for him to tell me about how it went. Getting any little detail out of him was like pulling teeth. To top that, he didn't once ask about my week when he was gone and he will never know because he lost that right. Yes, once he came back I finally received my slap in the face. I realized that I was never going to grow and mature in love or life if I stayed with someone who merely "cared" about me. I wasn't being fair to myself, my heart or my soul.

So, shortly after C got back from his trip I decided to start screening his calls, start talking to him less and I must admit I was colder towards him. I didn't think that he would notice too much, but oddly enough he did and it unfortunately added a slight wrench into my new found liberation. During a conversation we were having I finally got very frustrated at him for something very silly and abruptly ended our chat. Several hours later, I received an email in my inbox from C asking why I was so distant lately and asking why he was having to make all of the phone calls lately and I realized that he was truly confused as to why there was any problem.

So, for the first time in the five and a half years that I have known him, I laid out all of my feelings before him. I very clearly told him how frustrated I was with him for not taking any interest in my life and for not caring. I told him that I was avoiding his calls and that I was avoiding him. I told him that I wanted to talk to him less because as he had very clearly stated back in January, we were no longer together. I told him that I felt our relationship just wasn't worth it anymore to me and knowing my luck, I have no idea how the rest of our conversation went.

I had taken a sleeping pill an hour before he had called and to be honest, I barely remember much of the conversation. This is probably part of the reason why I was so open with him. I wish I knew how he responded to me and how I responded to him because I feel like I am completely in the dark. And now, he is calling more and asking about my day before I can get a word in and sounds truly happy to talk to me. What is funny is that I would have given anything to have this a couple months ago and now, I don't think I want it anymore...

Dating is Really Hard

I suddenly find myself being desired by men. This is a strange and rare phenomenon that I have referred to time and time again as “feast or famine.” You either have absolutely nobody who is desiring you at the current moment or you have several people who seem so see nobody but you in their entire world. In previous posts, I mentioned to my amazement and I have to admit slight delight how I had been asked about by not one but two men in the span of several minutes. Well, in the past week, the tally of two has turned into a tally of eight. I can’t quite explain this but I have come to the conclusion that it is the sheer fact that I have changed my soap in the past two weeks.

I could regale you with the stories of how these wonderful gave me their attention and how they showed their affection. I could tell you how I was truly flattered by some of them, disgusted by others and completely shocked and thrown back by others, but that is not what this post is about. This post is about my first plunge, my first dive into the dating world and I must say, “Wow, look how far deep you can dive.”

I have mentioned J in a former posting; he is the man who asked me out on a “maybe date” on the street corner outside my therapist’s office. The following week he kept texting me, or emailing me about getting together and I still wasn’t sure if it was a date or not. He finally set a date for us to meet on Tuesday and I still was not sure. His email to me was something along the lines of, “Come to my house at 6.” I had no idea if it was a friendly occasion, if we were meeting other people there, if it was just going to be the two of us, or if he had any feelings for me at all. So there I am, fretting on Tuesday because I have no idea how to dress for a “maybe date.” I have no idea how to date. I hadn’t really been on a proper first date in a really long time. So, once I had my outfit picked out, I drove over to his house, completely calm and collected. It was when I first saw his face with a twitch of nervousness in his fabulous smile, that I was certain it was date.

I believe that it is pretty needless to say that they date went very well. J was a perfect gentleman and completely kind and incredibly interested in me and what I had to say. In fact, since Tuesday, we have seen each other each day after that until today when I am on my home to visit my parents for several days. He—and I—we wanted to make the most of our time before I left for ten days because we both really enjoy spending time with each other but I keep thinking that there are several cons to this situation which make me wonder if I should even bother with keeping it up when I get back to Pittsburgh.

The first, of course, is that J is geographically undesirable. This is probably a big reason why I am so attracted to him. At the end of August, he is moving away to Arizona. This is good and bad. Good in some ways because I don’t think I am necessarily looking for anything too serious right now and also because it is the summer time and I actually have time to dedicate this summer to maintaining a relationship or at least starting a new one. Bad because, if it turns out that I really like him, then he is going to move away and I don’t want to deal with the pain of long distance again and all of the issues that revolve around it and I am also so tired of having that talk. It is also considered a bad thing because this further proves my theory that I am, for some reason, drawn towards men that live far away from me.

The second problem and the one that keeps me thinking about him is his attentiveness towards me. He is almost too romantic with me. On our first date, he was reaching across the table and holding my hands; he was looking deeply into my eyes and telling me that I was so beautiful and that he was so happy that he was with me. He kept giggling every now and then and asking me if it was real, if we were really together and if we were really on a date. He kept whispering sweet nothings in my ear and at one point was looking into my eyes and said that he felt a moment, a moment that was greater than himself, that was big and momentous, a moment he couldn’t explain. And all of this was just on the first date! I hope you can imagine how the others went. This was all incredibly romantic and I wanted to be swept away in all of the excitement, but I had to keep reminding myself that he was leaving and then I started to get a little skeptical.

Maybe it is the fact that my heart is still broken and I am still afraid to share it with anyone, but I keep thinking that J is leaving at the end of the summer and I am just some twisted social experiment of his. Maybe he feels that he can go all out this time because he is going to be gone soon so he should see how long it takes to woo someone using this style verses his old technique. What if he isn’t being completely honest with me and is just trying to distract me from something. I just can’t explain my paranoia but I keep thinking that there is no way he should be so intense so early. He is acting as if he is in love with me and he is barely starting to get to know me. So I just don’t understand; shouldn’t there be some other motive? Do guys just act like this right away once they are adults if they are sincere? Am I wrong in being paranoid or should I believe that he is genuine? I just have no idea what to do.

Dating is really hard.

The Large Girl

I must make a mental note to never go on a blind date for a friend again. Three month ago a girlfriend of mine asked me if I wouldn't mind "entertaining" one of her boyfriend's friends during the weekend that they would be visiting. The first question out of my mouth (since an embarrassing incident back in high school) was if he was tall. She said that he was taller than she was. Me, assuming that he was therefore taller than I was, kept on asking further questions such as age, occupation, geographic location and "social activities." Once satisfied, I accepted this blind date weekend and kept on with my daily routine. Well, the weekend finally arrived and I got to meet Mr. Mysterious and to my surprise he turned out to be not only completely antisocial but also 5'6". Oddly enough, it didn't bother me that he barely said more than 10 words and would not look me in the eye throughout the evening. As I have said before, C was extremely antisocial and I can work around it and with enough work, I truly believe that you can get anyone to come out of their shell and have a conversation with you. What bothered me was his height.

The fact that I am so taken aback by something so superficial might sound awful to some people, but it is more than just height. Some girls only want to date tall men because they want tall babies; some want to reach up to kiss the person they are with. Some even like men for even more "superficial" reasons than that, but the truth is that most of us girls that are attracted to tall men are that way because we just can't be attracted to shorter men. It is the same way that we can't be attracted to other women. With shorter men, I appreciate their great looks and wonderful personalities just as much as I would a taller man, but there is a complete lack of attraction for me and there are no exceptions. Why I feel this way about shorter men is a little more complicated. Let's face it, at some point in our lives we were programmed with what was attractive and what was unappealing to us and at some point we "taller preferring women" made our choice. My decision was made not at an exact point, or time, but rather, from the moment I realized that there was difference between different types of boys and girls.

If you page through my childhood yearbooks, all the way from Montessori through 7th grade you will notice one child who is always standing at the back of the classroom. This is the child who is back center in every picture. She is always last in line, the heaviest, the strongest and the tallest. I am that child. I remember feeling different from everyone else and thinking to myself that girls were supposed to be smaller than boys but this wasn't true with me. I was not only the tallest girl, but the tallest person in my class until the 8th grade when some of the boys finally caught up with me and I remember being so excited that I was finally allowed to fade into the background. Unfortunately, that was never going to be the case.

On top of being tall, I was also a little heavy in middle school and progressively got heavier until high school (but this is a story for a different entry). So to add insult to injury, I was not just the tall girl and I was not just the heavy girl, I was "the large girl." I felt so large at times that I thought I would break my dainty sister when playing around with her. I thought that every time I walked into a room there could not possibly be a person in there who was larger than me. I felt ashamed to be large and felt that someone who was as big as I was didn't deserve admiration, attention or love. As a result of feeling a larger girl the thought of dating a guy who was smaller than I was made me sick to my stomach.

If I were to date a guy, no matter how wonderful he may be, who was smaller than me, I felt that I would lose every tiny shred a femininity that I had left in my body. Girls are supposed to be small. Society shows us every day that women who are skinny and tiny are attractive and feminine and desired by men, ergo larger women are not. I felt like if I were to date a man who was shorter than I was, that I would feel even taller. Movies, don't show women lowering their faces to kiss their men and I didn't want to feel any bigger than I already did. When I am with a man who is larger than me, it is a glorious feeling, because it is the only time in my life where I feel small, smaller. For a moment, I feel like a real woman and I feel like the way I should be and not the way I have turned out; I feel feminine. As a result of this, I am completely unattracted to men who are my height or shorter (this of course greatly limits my dating pool).

I eventually lost the weight in later high school and college, but I still find myself getting little panic attacks every time a guy takes interest in me. I notice his height first: Is he taller than me? By how much? Can I wear my favorite pair of heels around him and still be shorter?; Once that passes then I look at his waist line: Is he thinner than me? How much thinner is he? Oh goodies! He has some weight some weight one him!; Then I notice his smile, his sense of humor and social decorum and if all that passes then I feel really lucky. But every guy, every time, is a battle with my own personal demons. I wish I was so self-conscious about how I looked or how tall I am or how large I am. I wish that I could be comfortable around any great guy that I meet (well, if that were the case, I would be dating half of my friends now). But I can't do it, I just can't do it; no matter how much I want feel like a good person and see beyond the physical in everyone I meet I cannot do so because I am bounded by my view of my physical self.

Missing

As much as I have promised that I have given up on emotionally unavailable men and as often as I have lately mused over the prospect of re-entering the dating world, I still miss him. Having these feelings makes me feel like not only a sad person, but it also gives me the feeling of being "less than." I am not quite sure how to describe it, but I feel as if after almost 6 months I should not miss him anymore and the sheer fact that I do makes me unworthy in the eyes of others and I feel pretty pathetic as well.

I probably should have stopped talking to him from the moment our relationship was over, but he was my closest friend, and more importantly, I know that I am one of the, if not the most important person in his life. Even, still to this day, I know that he values my place in his life among all others. He calls me anywhere from one to four or five times a day with absolutely nothing important to say; he just wants to talk to me. Our conversation is never romantic, or fond, come to think of it, it is often not even very clever, but I talk to him none the less. This is probably the main reason why I am still missing him now. And while I am missing him I am still finding myself a little startled, because I am realizing that I am longing more for his friendship than I ever did before.

I am not missing someone in the way that they miss a boyfriend, and as I have mentioned before, I believe that I am on the path to falling "out of love" with him. The hardest thing is that a part of me will always love C and will always miss him. I will love him for the times he gave me, the love we shared and for helping me to become the person that I am today. I will be forever indebted to him for that and much more, but I am beginning to wonder if I really should and need to fully let go of him in order to move forward with the rest of my life.

I wish I had someone who knew both of us better than they knew themselves; someone who would be able to give me the right advice and just tell me what to do. I bet everyone wishes they had someone like that. Fortunately I do, but God never seems to be in a really talkative mood. I just can't wait be over this.

Dating Dance

I decided to take my first steps back into the dating world today and I asked a man out on a date. I didn't wake up this morning thinking that today was going to be the day I took this step, nor did I wake up today even thinking about said man. In fact, it was a funny story.

Due to a miscommunication with my therapist (yes, of course I see a therapist and I am of the personal belief that nobody should go to a doctor that doesn't see a therapist!) I was late for my appointment with him today. The man, whom works in his office and I have chatted with a couple of times, looked so excited to see me walk in and so disappointed when I ran right past him that half the time through my therapy session, all I could think of was his sad puppy dog face. Once I got out of therapy, I saw that he was in one of his Superior's offices so I walked past and kept on going about my business. As I was waiting for my elevator, I saw him through the office window hurry out of the office to catch a glimpse at me. Digression: Now, maybe he wasn't trying to catch a glimpse at me and I do not want to come off as conceited. I am fully aware of how silly all of this sounds. However, I would like to think of myself as a pretty level headed person and based on his practically tripping over his desk to look out the window and responding to my soon to be mentioned action, I am of the personal belief that he was looking out for me. It was then that I decided to signal him over with the "come hither" finger and he came running over to the door. I invited him to join me for the Pirates game next Wednesday and he accepted.

So there I was, feeling proud of myself because I took a step in the right direction and I put myself out there. The funny thing is I didn't feel nervous. I didn't feel like I was exposed to the new world or scared to be trying something new. I always had the conception that people were nervous when performing the "dating dance." I thought that I would be blushing and shy and remarkably out of touch with today's flirting techniques and smooth pick up lines. Yes gentlemen, ladies worry about this too. However, while I felt odd that I was not the least bit concerned with rejection or my nerves what bother me is that I don't feel excited either.

I am telling myself that I will be looking forward to my date by next Tuesday when it is closer to the time and that it is too soon for me to really start thinking about this up and coming night out. But then again, shouldn't this be a bigger deal? I "recently" ended a 5 year relationship so shouldn't I be more invested into then I am? Maybe the fact that I am dedicating a blog to it tells me that I am. However, this entry is not only dedicated to this one date. Oh no, for it is either feast, or famine.

For no sooner had I scheduled this date, that I walked out of the building and ran into an acquaintance of mine who I volunteer with at a local shelter. We meet on the street and I was genuinely happy to see him. I don't recall ever seeing him outside of the shelter and he looked so happy to see me. We talked for a couple of minutes and just updated each other on the past week and he completely side swiped me by asking me out on a date. I was completely shocked! Not only by the fact that he asked me out, because I wasn't aware that he felt that way about me. But also because not less than 5 minutes earlier, I had been asking someone else out on a date! And yet again, not nervous or anxious.

I really pray that my good luck in the "dating dance" today is a sign that I am moving on and showing me that I am slowly able to disassociate feelings of romance and excitement away from C. As for now the next thing I need to do is buy my sister an exact replica of my outfit that I wore today, who as she put it so wisely said, "If you can get two dates in two minutes in those clothes, then I want one in every color!"

Revelation

Like a light shining from the heavens I was blessed with personal insight and understanding. Suddenly so many things became clear to me and my fog of misunderstanding had been cleared. When I went to share my revelation with my companions they simply looked at me and said, "DUH!" Feeling utterly disappointed in myself and silly, I closed my mouth and saved it for my saving grace, my scratching post, my friend that lets me vent to it, my blog.

What is this incredible insight, one might ask? Simple, I cannot fathom the thought of having a partner around me all the time. I cannot imagine not being able to use my bathroom when I want, not having my dinner when I want, not getting to watch all of favorite shows when I am ready and having to share my covers at night. At this point, you might ask, "how is that possible when she has had several serious relationships?" Once again, very simple, and the focus of my enlightenment: All of my adult relationships have been long distance. I have never had to deal with someone being around all of the time because I have never given myself the option of having someone around all the time.

Do I do this to myself? Do I purposely look for men who are distant from me. Lets retrace the steps. E: I was too young, it turned into long distance, but it still doesn't count. M: Long distance, didn't work out for too long. H: Long distance but is that man (every woman has her one man that is all wrong for her, but she still pines over because the chemistry was amazing). C: Of course, long distance. J: Long distance (but in all fairness, when I met him, I thought he was a local). Don't we see a trend!? Do I do this on purpose? I am not sure.

Maybe I am just unlucky and have happened to find men who are not geographically compatible with me, but then again maybe I seek them out. Perhaps I am getting too psychological here, though I did just finish my Psychiatry class, but maybe there is something wrong with me where I seek out unavailable men. I am going to give this more thought in the coming days as it is really bothering me.

The Difference a Year Makes

How do you look into someone's hopeful eyes and tell them that their future looks bleak? This is the challenge I faced today as I was talking to a future first year medical student. I kept staring at him, thinking that I was looking into a mirror of the past. I remember how I felt the exact same way one year ago, excited about starting a new chapter of my life and looking forward to the challenges I was to face. He was interested in my insight into Pitts programs and into the classes and projects. He kept smiling and saying how excited he was to be accepted into Pitt and start medical school. If I had to briefly describe him, I would say that he was just blindingly happy. I was the same way at that time. And I stood there earlier this morning, paralyzed to my spot wondering how I should react to him. Should I be happy for him that he is so excited? Should I be sad knowing that within a years time he is going to feel the exact opposite of how he feels now? Should I tell him how I feel right now or should I lie through my teeth and give a rosy picture of medical school? I had absolutely no idea and just stood there like a statue.

Ready to Date?

I am curious when I will be ready to date again. Mentally, I am ready but spiritually, I feel like I am completely lacking. When is it OK to step out into the world of dating again? Is it like ripping off a band-aid and dealing with the sudden and sharp pain? Or is it more like a paper cut that throbs and hurts for what seems like forever but others regard it as no big deal?

I have been given the opportunity to date since my breakup with C and I haven't taken anyone up on it for several reasons. The first couple happened immediately after the fact and I was not only disgusted by the offer but too upset to even consider it. Some others happened while I was out of town and I never want to do long distance again so those were obviously not pursued. There was a guy that I met today who was interested in me, which I found surprising since Pittsburgh men are generally not attracted to me. (This is a general truth. I have noticed that Pittsburgh men, to no fault of their own are attracted to 5'4, very thin, blond hair, blue eyed girls. If I were a man, I would be attracted to them too and unfortunately I do not fit the bill, but I digress). This guy was really interested in me and wanted my number and I gave it to him and we shall see what I do. The only other man who has been interested in me has been R.

I am ashamed to talk about him and ashamed to admit my feelings for him because R has a girlfriend. She moved here to Pittsburgh to be with him and he spends all of his extra time with me. We haven't crossed the boundaries of friendship, we have barely even touched each other but there is something there. Our friends have questioned our relationship and I reflect on it every time we are together. The way we interact has grown beyond friendly boundaries. When we are in the same room together we somehow wind up next to each other; every conversation winds up into a stare down into each others eyes; every opportunity to spend together is there.

And at the end of the day I am left feeling cheap and terrible because I have feelings for someone who is already taken. I know, for reasons I will not go into in this entry, that he does love her and is comfortable with her, but now feels trapped in his situation because he wasn't expecting someone else to come along in his life that he would have feelings for. This makes it hard for him because he feels that he could be happier if things were different. What makes it hard for me is that he is the only other man besides C that I have ever wanted to kiss.

I know it might sounds weird when I say that I have never wanted to kiss anyone besides C. This doesn't mean that I haven't, it is just that I really didn't want to, even all of my other boyfriends. I never had the desire to really share any physical part of myself with them but I would go ahead because, well, I really don't know why. Yet, I remember my first kiss with C. That entire day all I kept thinking was how much I wanted to kiss him and hug him and just feel close to him. When he finally did kiss me, I think I truly believed in God, because only He could create something that was so wonder yet indescribable and untenable all at the same time. It was absolutely amazing because I had never felt that way for anybody before and until R I hadn't felt that way since.

That is what worries me so much about R. I want to kiss him and I want to be close to him and that doesn't happen often with me. I of course respect myself, R, and his girlfriend way too much to become "the other woman" but I know that simply by being a part of his life, it makes it harder to him to be truly faithful. So what do I do? Should I continue on as I am and be friend who secretly longs for him? What would happen then? Lets say he does leave his girlfriend and winds up with me, will I be over C and be able to start a healthy relationship with him that he deserves? What if I can't do that? Should I just walk away from a person that I actually have feelings for? Do I just give up my friend?

Relationships

I am drowning in a sea of relationships. All around me my colleagues, friends, family and even perfect strangers seem to be battling their own demons. I would really love to see a happy couple. A couple that realizes they have problems, but are still dedicated to only each other and happy that is the case.

Nine of my friends will end this year as newlyweds; that may not seem like much to but when they are all in their early 20's it is a bit much to handle. I feel like such a terrible friend too because I am not happy for them, I can't be and not because I have to buy nine wedding presents and outfits but because I have this feeling that there is no possible way it could last. How sad is that? Are those just the thoughts of a jaded individual or am I not alone in thinking that everyone is making a big mistake by falling into a marriage? What makes it even better is that I then feel hypocritical, because if C had proposed to me while we were still together, I would have probably accepted it, putting me into the same boat as all of them! So what is going on here? Are people just jumping into the first serious relationship that they have? Is it more? I am so uncertain and really curious at the same time too.

I happened to be talking to my little sister the other day who has just graduated from high school and is getting ready to go away to college. She still seems so young to me; she is the baby and she still has so much more to experience and so much more growing up to do. And as I was talking to her and thinking these thoughts, I realized that when I was her age, I was already dating C. I was so ridiculously young when I started dating him and I cannot even ponder the idea that my little sister could be as "mature" as I was to have such a long-lasting and serious relationship. What was I thinking starting a relationship so young? And committing to someone at such a young age? I am not sure I am even mature enough now to handle a life-long relationship. Then again, I look at other who started relationships much later in the game and they are just as/if not worse off then I was with C.

I wonder why relationships are so hard. Wanting to be with someone else is such an essential part of our nature. You would figure that for something we need to survive, it would be easier for us to manage. Of course, we used to only live till the age of 30 so I assume most people could stand someone for a decade or two. Even then, we love our friends and our family, we love our pets and our hobbies even our things and when we are tired of them or bored of them we aren't angry at them and we aren't mad and never want to see them again. So what is it about exes that can evoke such reactions? For every relationship I see come together, I see another split apart. It is so sad and really makes me lose all hope that I am going to find someone out there for me. Of course, it might also be due in part to my pessimistic thinking and my inability to completely get over my ex, but who knows?