My Response

The past week has been one of the most emotionally exhausting of my entire life. I feel weak, tired and completely numb. This wasn't the way I pictured myself feeling after being proposed to. I always thought that I would be blissfully in love and on cloud nine for months after I discovered that someone on this planet wanted to spend the rest of their time on Earth sharing it with me. I am instead feeling hollow and frustrated.

For 5 years, I would have loved nothing more than for C to propose to me. I was waiting for it and I was hoping for it. I was sitting back and waiting for the man that I loved to realize that he loved me in return just as much. But he didn't. He broke up with me in a very cruel way and now I discover that he apparently loved me the entire time, though he did not show it and he expected that I be in love with him in return. When I finally told him several weeks ago that I was distancing myself from him so I could move on, he realized that he was losing me, forever. It was this movement that all of a sudden spurred him into action and drove him to finally express himself to me that way I had hoped he would years before. He finally told me that he loved me, that he had been in love with me this whole time, that breaking up with me was a huge mistake and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

My response: I don't love you anymore. It is the truth and it is the sad truth. His actions were too little and too late. I am not in love with him anymore. He hurt me too much for me to consider a lifetime with him. What is worse is that he wouldn't accept this as an answer so he says he is going to fight for me. He even booked a flight to Pittsburgh to come and see me. What I find most frustrating is that from time to time, this prospect sounds good and I have to remind myself to step back.

Wow

C proposed to me tonight.

Random Thoughts

Don't fall for this one, don't you dare fall for this one. I have to remind myself of this every time I look into J's eyes. I feel like a silly high school student again because I should feel so strongly for someone I have known for so little of a time. I wonder if I am so attracted to him because I know that he is leaving in several weeks. It seems like I have jumped from one turbulent sea that I at least knew how to navigate to a vast calm ocean that I have no idea how to cross. I have no idea what is better. Right now, I have everything to be thankful for for my relationship with J. He is attentive, intelligent and so giving of himself. What I find amazing is that he truly wants to be with me. Every day we look into each other's eyes and get close to each other and are thankful for every minute and now I am unsure what will happen at the end of the summer. What was supposed to be just a fun relationship has turned into something serious. Goodness, I need to be careful and stop rambling.

Letting Go

I cannot quite describe it. I feel like I have been holding onto a broken off piece of myself for so long. I have seen it chip away, fall off and I have cradled it in my arms mourning over its loss for so long. Within the past couple of weeks I believe that I have wiped off my tears and I am ready to let go. I wish that I had the words to describe how I have changed.

About a month ago, all I could think of was C and how I wished he would changed. Today, he has changed into the person I had longed for and I no longer desire him. I was able to talk to him, without tears or emotions getting the best of me and tell him that I wanted to move on. I was able to tell him that there was no future for us. I was able to tell him that I didn't want to talk to him as much anymore. It was freeing and releasing and he gave me a great gift; he let me go.

He said he is letting me move on. Let's see from now on if he holds true to his word because I really do not want to falter and fall back into his arms and clutch onto that piece of myself that cannot be a part of me anymore.

In other news, J is taking me to meet his parents tonight. This might be moving a little too quickly and I really don't want to use him as a rebound. I don't have much time to write about this now, but I can already feel my fingers itching to get back to the keyboard so I can analyze myself more and figure out exactly how I am doing in this crazy post-breakup world.