When I once heard C utter his favorite nickname for me, or tell me that he loved me or missed me, I would sigh with love and hope; today when he does the same, I find myself filled with pity and compassion. I hear in his voice how much he wants a second chance with me and that familiar pattern he gets into when he wants me back into his life. I can feel it; he is afraid. He is afraid of losing me and our friendship. I am afraid of losing it too.
This isn't the first time that this has happened with C and me. It just so happens that every now and then (about every 7 months or so), I will speak up for myself and tell C that I will not stand for apathy anymore and I will get upset and let him know. After this he will make a great turn around for several months where he shows a high level of attentiveness and respect towards me before things return back to normal. During this high period, I feel wonderful and great and I am so happy because I think that maybe this time is the time that things are going to change. On top of that, I also think that I couldn't be happier.
What I find odd right now is that C is repeating his pattern and I am not. What does this mean? He calls me and I don't feel elated or hopeful. I don't feel much of anything. I keep wondering what this means? I think I have finally realized that there is no future for us. I think... I am finally getting over him.
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2 comments:
hey there... i've been away from the internet for some time. happy to know that you're doing great! me on the other hand... not too good over here. apart from being slightly overwhelmed by the workload piled upon me, i'm having a sorethroat =( and the worst part is that my boyfriend is faraway and i miss him terribly and we've even had some fights because i didn't like the distance and didn't know how to cope with it.
but then again, this is your blog, your life, and once again, congrats on getting over the past! may better men wait ahead for you =)
nyrac: If you ever need any advice on the distance, or need somewhere to vent, please don't hesitate to come to me! I am the queen of long distance.
I thought you were on holiday? Why do you have such a heavy workload?
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